How should a pastor approach shepherding women in the church?
There are commonly two extremes that accompany this question. The first, represents a pastor who carelessly sees his role to pastor women as no different than men. A pastor who thinks spending time alone with women in the church should look no different than with the men. A pastor who thinks the same blunt conversations he has with men in the church can take place with women in the same way. This mentality has led to many pastors, several I have personally known, to lose their marriages and ministries because they foolishly placed themselves in compromising positions with women in their church…in the name of caring for them.
There is, however, another side that is a growing extreme among younger pastors, especially. It is the pastor who so fears the foolishness of the first extreme that he completely neglects the pastoral care of women in general in his church. Motivated by fear or unwilling to make the extra effort to understand a certain kind of woman different than his wife, some pastors deceive themselves in the name of being “above reproach” that God will not still hold them accountable for the souls of these women entrusted to their care.
Because of these two extremes, the first thing to establish in a pastor wisely thinking through caring for women in the church is the need for balance. Wise, thoughtful, discerning, and balanced parameters needs to be the heart of every pastor’s approach. So then, here are a few suggestions I have found helpful over the years in avoiding these extremes as I personally try to care for women in the church, yet being very wise and aware of the biblical call to be above reproach:
Old enough to be your grandmother rule. I feel a freedom to visit an elderly widow in her home or the hospital alone if there is a sizable gap in age, verses going to visit a needy, flirtatious, recently divorced woman who is my age, which I NEVER do alone! Be wise not to compromise this rule. Remember, the rule is “grandmother” not “mother.”
Copy the woman’s husband and your wife in emails. I do think it is perfectly acceptable to communicate through email with women in the church. Many email exchanges are solely administration issues (would you please put our women’s event in the bulletin type emails). However, if you intend to send any email to a woman in the church, or receive one that involves anything of a personal nature, a pastor’s wife and the woman’s husband should always be copied in it. It should be in the (cc) section so all corresponding can see the spouse’s involvement. This may seem tedious, but a necessary accountability.
Counsel with the woman’s husband or someone else present. I NEVER counsel a woman alone. I know, that sounds extreme to some of you. Even if there is glass between us and the church secretary, I will not meet alone with another woman. I will, however, meet to counsel a woman with her husband present. This has born good fruit as the husband learns how to better care for his wife as he sits and listens. Besides, many times the husband is part of the problem! If I am trying to care for a single lady, my wife is always my preferred choice of counseling companion, but I am open to allowing another leader or trusted friend of the single lady to be present. I’m flexible, but will not counsel alone.
Pass off long-term discipleship and counseling to other capable women. Pastors need to deal with pastoral matters with everyone in the church. However, long-term issues that will require years of care and discipleship should be eventually handed to mature, godly, and capable women in the church who would then report to the pastors on their progress, which still allows some kind of pastoral oversight and soul care.
Alright, there is my attempt at balance.
Pastors, any wise counsel you have to add that helps capture this balance??
These are great thoughts! Thanks for the insights!
Great topic, my wife and I have had multiple conversations over this to protect our marriage, our emotions, and our reputation. However, counseling women is a needed ministry within the church and falls under the scope of pastoral oversight and shepherding.
Therefore, I do/have done the following:
1. Somewhat stop counseling appointments and block out a 2 month period to meet weekly with my wife during office hours. She already wanted this, so it made this process easier. For 1-2 hours or so, we created a “counseling class” where I administered homework, special readings, and had long discussions over the material. Overall purpose was to provide training for her within a “counseling/discipleship” philosophy.
2. Any women needing counseling will come in and the assumption is a person will be in the room. I try to be as gentle as possible because it can cause them to be insulted. I say, “I’m not doing this for you, but in honor of my wife, let me give her a call and we are going to counsel together, because she may see things I don’t.” If husband is unavailable, I’ll have my wife. If my wife is unavailable I try to reschedule or allow another secretary or pastor to sit in.
3. Depending upon the issues, long term problems I will do but I know feel comfortable transferring this to my wife while maintaining oversight.
Good insights.
Shawn could you explain step 1.) a bit more? My wife and i do alot of couseling together and i am curious what you had your wife read. Also, how did the assigning your wife homework go?
@Sam,
She is my wife and therefore I did not want to overburden her already current busy schedule. However, she’s always had the desire to get her Master’s degree in Biblical counseling. Though I don’t have my MABC, I do have some training in Biblical counseling and since finances, time, and distance were factoring against us, we set up our own counseling training time. She thoroughly enjoyed it but worked much slower due to all our time constraints.
The books read were:
Trip, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change. Philipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2002.
MacArthur, John F. Our Sufficiency in Christ. Weaton, IL: Crossway Publishers, 1991. (To see the affects of Psychology in the “Professional” counselor)
Selected chapters from:
Fitzpatrick, Elyse and Carol Cornish, eds. Women Helping Women: A Biblical Guide to the Major Issues Women Face. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1997.
John MacArthur, Counseling: How to Counsel Biblically. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2005.
We also reviewed basic doctrine, discussed “case-studies,” discussed how to counsel together, watched counseling videos together, etc.
The only way this worked was because she had a drive to continue eduction, wanted to learn some of this material, and because I needed a trustworthy co-counselor.
I created a syllabus directly for my wife that I don’t feel comfortable putting online but if you email: counselor_pastor@yahoo.com I can send it to you.
This is an e-mail I just created but will not use again!
Helpful! Thank you Shawn.
I never though of the email idea but that is very good. I have heard of the others and am surprised that others don’t follow them more than they do.
what about those wife’s who thinks ever woman who walks in the church want’s her husband.
A greater heart issue needs to be addressed in the wife. In the meantime, a pastor still needs to care for his wife where she is and graciously and patiently help her understand that is not the case. These things described in this post are to help a pastor know how to build trust with his wife in regard to caring for ladies in the church, so that even if a woman does act inappropriately, there is a trust established between a pastor and wife where she will react godly and with maturity.
All great and helpful advice. Thanks for this.
One disagreement. I wonder if there is a way to avoid having always to copy the pastor’s wife when sending “personal” emails. In other words, can just the husband be copied? I only say this because there are numerous problems and issues that I want to shield my wife from. Yes, she signed up to be my wife, but she didn’t sign up to bear the burden of every issue with the women of the church. Also, isn’t it possible that some women wouldn’t want their particular issue(s) shared with the pastor’s wife?
I understand what you’re saying about wanting to shield your wife from having to deal with some issues but those should be minimal considering this is only for when you are e-mailing women directly.
As for the other party not wanting your wife or others to see, if you’re going to be transparent with your wife any way, using the ‘BCC’ includes her in the e-mail without others on the chain being able to see it. It’s a blind CC.
I’m concerned that in your effort to be transparent with your wife, you are being deceptive with your counselee. Either let your counselee know that your wife will be reading all the e-mails or work out another method of accountability, but don’t cc anyone behind another’s back.
I’m wondering if I missed the response to Norma’s comment? If/when I open my life to anyone, I must know who, if anyone other than the person I’m speaking with, it will be shared with. Would you please shed some light on this from both a practical and a Biblical standpoint? Blessings!
Great question. Yes, it is true most wives can only take so much and you need to be wise with thinking through that. I think depending on the issue, copying the husband in on it would be sufficient. However, I would also say don’t assume you know what your wife does and does not want to be copied in on. Regular conversations with her are crucial in knowing the answer to that question.
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A story: A young lady musters all the bravery in her heart and approaches her pastor with tears in her eyes and says, “Pastor…..I need to talk to you”. The pastor replies by saying….I can talk to you, but not alone…I never meet with women alone…….. Desperate for help, the young lady says okay. The pastor suggest Mcdonalds for a place to meet. The young lady had issues of past drug addiction that GOD had recently delivered her from and needed her pastor to know so he could pray for her, but she didn’t want anyone else to know about this issue. Her greatest fear was for one of her fellow parishioners to hear of her addiction and labeling her and looking down on her…… So she met her pastor at Mcdonalds as he suggested and there in a crowded dining room….she began to pour her heart out….not knowing how she would be judged…. This was such an emotional thing for her, that she weeped as she told him of her 12 year addiction to meth. A young man who was sitting across the room approached the young lady and her pastor and said that he didn’t know what was going on…but that GOD was able to fix it. This is not proper or effective pastoring. The young lady told me that her pastor has never attempted to follow up with her since this meeting.
Sorry to hear about that unfortunate situation. Yet, I think the lack of care from that pastor came from many other things besides his conviction to not meet alone with a woman.
Such as?
I am wondering what Bible verses you have to support any of these ideals? I am looking for answers in this area as well but I want them to be from the Bible. I know how I feel but I need to know if it is right? My husband is not a minister yet he has reconnected with old classmates one of whom is a woman and for the past few nights they have been having phone conversations (while I am there) and I feel as if this is not right. First of all, should she be asking her husband for spiritual guidance, not mine and secondly, I feel as if I am being left out. I only hear one side of this conversation and I feel as if it is inappropriate for my husband to sit on the phone with another woman and talk for hours at a time rather than counsel to me or answer any questions I have. He has apologized to me for his lack of attention and has even made the comment that we have helped this girl find her way into the right church (for one, I don’t know this girl very well and have never discussed anything spiritual with her) and he has also said that it is our responsibility to do this and we will be held highly accountable for this but that he can “ease” off this now because she has finally found a good church. Please help me with this. I know that I should ask my husband these things but I am looking for answers from scripture before I make a big deal out of something that might not be so big. Thank you for any and all help.
A very tough situation, but your instincts are right in that he should not be having long conversations with another woman, especially if it is concerning you. Now that he says she is in a good church, he needs to let that church handle things from here. There are all kinds of passages that allude to these things, such as the call to be above reproach, to flee the adulterous woman and delight solely in your wife (Prov. 5), and live with your wife in an understanding way (1 pet. 3:7). He will probably be able to dismiss all these and say what he is doing is ministry, but there is a reason we are to flee any hint of unfaithfulness.
I hope that helps. Get your pastor involved to help your husband, who could have a good motives, still see the danger in what he is doing.
So what if the wife don’t want the husband to know and don’t want anyone but the Pastor to know, then how do you counsel someone alone, a woman.