Husbands, here is some very practical advice on ways to communicate love to your wife. This is what I shared at the men’s luncheon on Monday at the Berean Baptist Church Marriage Conference and we had a great discussion about them. Use them as a template to know how to best make your wife feel loved and cherished by you.
1) Before you touch her body, touch her mind and heart. This comes straight from the CJ Mahaney playbook and is the basis of the next 9 suggestions. This idea comes from CJ’s excellent book, Sex, Romance, and the glory of God.
2) Sweat the small things. It is common to say, “Do not sweat the small things.” I disagree in this case. Read this previous post and see why.
3) Encourage her in areas she thinks she fails. Your wife has them. If you do not know what they are, start there and ask.
4) Study her. We study our sports teams, hobbies and home projects and know them well. How much do you study to know your wife?
5) Date her. We have all heard this advice. Just do it…regularly.
6) Write words to her. Cards, text messages, emails. Write kind and encouraging words. She may read them over and over again long after you have forgotten you even wrote them.
7) Ask specific questions. See this previous post for a common list I give our men.
8) Be thoughtful. Do things that she knows required some time and effort from you.
9) Be patient. She may not respond like you hope. Make sure you are not loving your wife expecting something in return.
10) Pray for her. Maybe the most significant way your wife will feel loved by you.
Excellent list. However, there are some of these that I’m unsure how to implement in my own life. Particularly #7. Your list of questions is fantastic, and I genuinely want to know the answer to those things from my wife. However, whenever I raise them, the “conversation” goes something like this:
Me: How can I make you feel loved and appreciated by me?
Her: I don’t know
Me: What can I do to help relieve the stress of life responsibilities?
Her: Nothing
I would request her to make the same effort to answer more specifically as you have made in asking. She may not be answering because she is happy with your effort, or for some reason is afraid to answer. Make sure you generally communicate well with each other. If you don’t, asking questions as these can reveal needed areas of growth in just communicating with the other. Also, make sure you are asking at a time that is good for her. Sometimes, people just need some time to think. Be patient and check back with her.
Thank you so much for posting this list. Its very encouraging to see a topic on how husbands can love and serve their wives…usually all I seem to read about more often than not is how wives should encourage and love their husbands. This is a very refreshing change!
This is helpful. Over the year’s I have learned much from C.J. as he has led the charge when it comes to “dating your wife.” Thanks C.J.! Thanks Brian! I am quite aware that I have much more growth that needs to occur. Yet I am grateful that dating my wife is something we have done since marriage. Today we celebrate our 26th Anniversary and soon we will head out on a “special” date.
Awesome. Congrats and enjoy!
This is empowering and practical Godly advice. It’s coming at any opportune time as I am preparing for the Men’s Fellowship taking place tomorrow. I will indeed make reference to and share from this suite of advise. Stay blessed.
Patrick, here’s a clever way of dealing with #7:
Make a list of the ways you think your wife wants to be shown love. (For example, a surprise dinner out, being given candy or flowers, vacuuming the living room for her, putting your arm around her at church, opening doors for her, etc.) Now rank them from #1 to #10 and ask her if you’ve gotten the list right.
This encourages her to arrange the list her way (the only way that really matters) and will create a wonderful opportunity for conversation: “Oh, you dislike surprise dinners out because you have to scramble for childcare? Okay, what if we schedule them a week in advance?”
Thats ok guys..
What about if your wife has no feelings at all towards you, all that comes out her mouth are abuses and bad language and building hussles in her head about sin….
The question of consciousness and respect also comes in.
Very nice I like it very much…