How to Protect Ministry Children from Harsh Criticism
By Dr. Bethel B Webb
I grew up in a Christian culture where children were seen as the trophies of their parents. Whatever a child did—good or bad—was a direct reflection of the parents’ worth and reputation. And because I am a pastor’s kid, that expectation wasn’t just doubled; it felt multiplied tenfold.
I still remember my dad saying to me, “If you fall, we all fall.” I know he meant it as both a warning and an encouragement. I know he carried the weight of ministry and felt that my life was inevitably intertwined with his. But those words echoed in my heart for years—throughout childhood and well into adulthood—shaping how I viewed myself and my place in the church.
To protect myself—and to shield my parents from criticism—I learned to hide. I became skilled at performing. I made sure no one saw my flaws, doubts, or struggles. I wanted to be untouchable because I knew that any weakness in me could be used as ammunition against my family.
At the same time, I had friends who were also pastors’ kids, but they took the opposite route. They chose not to hide. They were unapologetically themselves—and they faced the full weight of people’s judgments. Tragically, the harshest criticisms almost always came from within the church itself:
“Why do you dress like that? That’s not befitting of a pastor’s kid.”
“Why are you dating that person? He’s not good enough for you.”
“You’re not serving enough at church.”
It was relentless. And it left scars.
Now that I am both a mother and a woman in ministry, I have a better understanding of the pressures my parents carried. They did the best they knew with the weight they bore, and I’m grateful for the ways they protected and guided me. At the same time, I recognize the unique opportunity I have to build on their foundation and write a different story for my son. I cannot control what people may say about him—because people will talk—but I can prepare him, walk with him, and help him find his security in a healthier, Christ-centered foundation.
Here are some intentional practices I’m committing to as I raise my child in the unique context of ministry:
Nurture his identity in Christ.
I don’t want my child to believe his identity rests on being “the pastor’s kid” or meeting people’s expectations. His truest identity is found in being a beloved child of God. I will remind him often that who he is in Christ matters far more than the roles he fills or the approval he receives from others. (1 John 3:1)Prepare him for reality, not perfection.
I will tell my child, honestly, that people can be unkind. I won’t sugarcoat it or pretend otherwise. But I will also let him know that he does not have to process those words alone—we will walk through them together.Release him from the burden of performance.
I will remind him often: “You do not need to perform for other people.” Yes, people will always have expectations, but he does not have to carry the weight of meeting them all. Ministry is not about impressing an audience—it is about pointing people to Jesus. My desire is to teach him to live kindly, generously, and authentically—not to gain approval, but as a natural overflow of God’s love at work within him. (Colossians 3:23)Stand up and speak out.
When I hear damaging or shaming words directed toward my child, I will not stay silent. Silence often communicates agreement. Instead, I will graciously, but firmly, call out words that wound rather than build up. (Ephesians 4:29)Model a prayerful response to unkindness.
When others are cruel or critical, I will teach him to bring his pain to God. People may wound, but God heals. People may tear down, but God builds up. My prayer is that prayer itself becomes his first response, not his last resort (1 Peter 5:7).
To those of you reading this who are also raising children in ministry: I know the tension you feel. We want to honor God in our calling, but we also long to protect the little souls entrusted to us. Let’s be intentional about breaking cycles of pressure and perfectionism. Let’s raise children who are free to be fully known, fully loved, and fully themselves in Christ—no matter what the church or the world may say.
