Pastor, be present
By Mike Cummins
As I write this, I just finished having a cup of coffee with a man who lost the love of his life yesterday. They knew each other for 51 years. I sat, I listened, I asked some questions—I was present. I didn’t have words to make the pain go away; if I am honest, I don’t even have the right words to make the pain lessen. But what I can do is be present and available to show care to a man who was deeply hurting, and that, pastor, is enough.
I am the type of person who wants to have just the right words to say, in just the right way, in the exact right moment. There is a strong temptation to plan and guess at what the grieving person might say or what topics might come up, but, spoiler alert, I’m seldom right. This temptation can come from pride– I’m the pastor, I’m supposed to have all the answers. Or it can come from a desire to be helpful– My heart breaks when someone else is deeply hurting. In reality, it is probably a mix of the two. Regardless of what is going on in my heart, I have a member of my church who needs love and care. So, I go.
The goal is not perfection
What do I say? What is my goal? What is my plan? I have to remind myself that my job is to be present. I have to remind myself that I often times don’t have the answers. I can’t fix the pain and the hurting, and it isn’t my job to fix it. My job is to be present, listen, and show tender care for the grieving. So, as I drive, I ask God for help. I seek to stop playing possible conversations in my head, and I settle in my heart that my job is to be there, fully engaged. It has been called the “ministry of presence”. It is showing up, being present, and helping them to see that they are not alone.
Over and over again in Scripture, we are pointed to God’s presence as a reason for hope and courage. There are a couple of passages that always come to my mind.
Joshua 1:9,
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
Philippians 4:5b-6,
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
These passages help us to remember that we are not alone, that God does see what we are going through, and there is reason for courage and hope.
God’s presence in and through us
As pastors, who are present with grieving people, we are helping people realize that God is present with them. We are not God; it isn’t our presence that ultimately gives them hope and courage, but we are an expression of God’s loving care. That God is helping them to see His love and presence through us. We are but one vehicle that God uses to show them He cares.
In 1 John 4:11-12, the Apostle John writes,
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
John tells us that because God loves us and sent His Son for us, we are to love one another. Yet, as John tells us, there is a problem: people can’t see God. He is there, He is present, He loves them, but we can’t see Him. So, God uses people as vehicles to show His love. If God’s love abides in us and we love one another, God’s love is perfected, completed, brought to full expression through us to another. This is why I believe the ministry of presence is so important and meaningful. It helps another person know that God sees them, that God loves them, and that God cares for them.
6 Practical Steps to develop a ministry of presence
You may be saying, “That’s great, I love the idea, but what practically can I do?” Here are a few things that I have to remind myself to do.
Your job is to be present, not to fix them or alleviate their pain.
Silence is okay...really…it’s okay if there isn’t a lot of conversation that takes place. Follow their lead, engage if they engage, be silent if they are silent.
Give them room to grieve. It comes in many shapes and expressions. You may need to give them permission to grieve, tell them it is right to grieve. That healthy grief is an expression of love.
It is not about you. This isn’t a time for you to tell your stories. In seeking to relate to another person, we like to tell stories about ourselves, but it is really easy to hijack their grieving process and make it about you.
Do it again. Don’t stop with just one visit. Their grief is not a one-time event. Seek to engage them again. It may be the exact same conversation or go into new areas. Either way, seek to continue to engage them.
Mark the day that their loved one passed in your calendar, so that you can send a note of encouragement on the anniversaries of the passing of a loved one. There is normally a lot of care during the first few days and weeks after the passing of a loved one, but anniversaries can be lonely and hard, especially the first one.
Conclusion
This ministry of presence is something that I have found to be one of the most fruitful ministries that I have as a pastor. It strengthens my ministry to my flock. Showing up, being present, endears their hearts to me and my heart to them. These times facilitate some of the sweetest and most precious relationships that I have with the flock God has entrusted to me as a pastor. I pray that you would find it fruitful as well.
Mike Cummins
is the pastor at Berean Baptist Church in Idaho Falls, ID. He has been married for over 20 years and has two kids. He graduated from Western Seminary with a Master of Divinity and teaches a class on the book of James at Jackson Hole Bible College in Jackson Hole, WY. Mike is passionate about seeing God’s Word intersect with the hearts of people.