Am I Really Invisible?
By Christy Richardson
I'm standing near the front of the sanctuary off to the side, my gaze toward my husband at the back of the building. A small group has gathered after service waiting to speak to him; I move my eyes toward my youngest daughter; she is in conversation with one of the many widows in our small, rural congregation. I am alone. My mind begins to deceive me, spiraling downward. “Why isn't anyone talking to me?” “Why am I invisible?” “ No one ever wants my opinion.” “Don't these people see I have something to offer?” “Why am I even here?” “If I wasn't here would it even matter?”
I'm fairly certain I am not the only pastor's wife to feel this way on a Sunday morning, Wednesday night or most any other time the church doors are open. The feeling is real, but is it really true?
Our husband's are the highly visible half of the pastor/pastors wife team. In fact, they are likely the most visible person in the congregation. They are the one's that people call in the middle of the night, when they're having problems; the ones that people may be sharing their deepest struggles with. They are the ones proclaiming the word of God week in and week out. They're the front men. Us wives? Whether we want to be or not, we're often in the background, doing what needs to be done when no one else has done it. In a small church, as most are, we might be the ones scurrying around on a Sunday morning finishing whatever tasks didn't get done for the morning service. We might be in the kitchen making more coffee or we might be off in a corner with someone who needs a listening ear. Often, we're the ones people come to when they have places to go and they don't have time to wait to speak to our husband's after service.
We might feel like we get left out but that doesn't mean we are left out or that we are invisible. It means that our husbands are in the sight line of every person in the congregation almost all the time. We are not. It feels lonely. But, are we really any more invisible than anyone else? I don't think so.
Even before I was a pastor's wife, I often felt left out and lonely, or invisible around church people. I'd walk into the building and be greeted by the volunteers handing out bulletins. I'd walk past people that might ask “how are you? But no one asks “how are you?” and really wants to know. The standard answer is “fine” or in some circles “better than I deserve” but few really want to know anything more than that. After service I'd stand watching small groups or pairs of people chatting. After many years, I have realized that most of the chatter isn't small talk. People aren't sharing burdens or talking about the weather. A lot of church work happens when we are gathered together on Sunday morning. People are on a mission to get things done. I'm guilty of this too. I need to catch Kathy to ask a question about VBS, or I need to talk to Sarah about Sunday School. My husband might have asked me to find out about Joe's Uncle that's battling cancer. That doesn't mean we know that Kathy is hurting because her teenage son snuck out to drink with the friends he's chosen recently, or that Sarah hasn't slept for the better part of the week because the baby's schedule is upside down. It doesn't mean we know that Joe's Uncle is his favorite, and watching him suffer is even harder because he spent summers with Uncle Joe when he was a kid. But, on those Sunday's when I don't have a need to talk to others, I forget and the invisibility monster rears it's ugly head.
Even more than that, our husband's likely feel invisible too. The people that flock to them after service don't come to check on them.Few call our husbands to see how they're doing. They come to our husbands for their own needs. They share what ailment is bothering them this week or the results of their recent medical tests. They might tell them what a good sermon it was and maybe, if he's fortunate, someone will share how the sermon touched them. But rarely is the pastor asked about their personal life.
The crazy truth? People don't come to our husbands because of who they are personally. They don't come to Shane, or Jim or Steve. They come to “pastor.” If it wasn't our husbands, it would be whatever man was standing in the pulpit week in and week out. Whether we like it or not, most people put their pastor on a pedestal; not because of who they are specifically, but because of their title and role in the congregation. I wonder if the feeling of invisibility is greater because our husband's are so much more visible in the churches we serve. I wonder if sometimes we are trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We stand back, disengaged, watching, hoping someone will take interest in us; at the same time dreading what might come if someone interacts with us. In some ways, it's a double edged sword. We want relationships, but most of us have been hurt by church people so we try to protect ourselves and blame the church people because we feel left out, alone and invisible.
Understanding this gives us a very unique opportunity to discern what is true and what is false. Over time, I've realized that most of what I feel is false. It's not true that I'm “always” on the sidelines.
We have poor memory and are short-sighted. I forget that Mary waits for my hug every week. I forget that last week Irene shared a serious health concern and asked for my prayers. I don't remember being so focused on my project that I forgot to see how Ken is adjusting to life without his spouse who passed last month. I'm feeling alone and invisible in the moment.
The truth is the enemy want's us feeling alone, wallowing in self pity. When our husbands are worried about us, it distracts them from the job God has given them to shepherd His flock. This is a great time to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Our perception of what happens and what really happens is very different. The truth is we aren't really invisible. The truth is people are often short sighted and self focused. The truth is we are often short sighted and self focused. Did you notice how many “I's” we're in the first paragraph I wrote? The truth is though we may feel invisible and alone we aren't really invisible and alone. People are absorbed in their own agenda. So, we have a choice. We can continue to believe the lie or we can reach out and begin conversations with people around us that don't involve our agenda and maybe we can help others in the congregation feel like they aren't invisible and alone, but that they are valued and loved.
Either way, we can also remember that we have a God who sees us. When we are struggling with feeling invisible and alone, we can remind ourselves that we are not alone. David did that when he was running for his life from Saul. He went to the God who saw him and poured out his troubles and heartache. The record is left for us in the book of Psalms. Many of those Psalms begin with David's sorrow and frustration and end with David praising God. God changed his heart while David was praying, he can change our hearts too.
Christy is a pastors wife and missionary to rural Missouri near Kansas City. She has been married to Shane for nearly 31 years and has recently graduated from home educating her 4 children. Shane is a bi-vocational pastor at Christ’s Christian Church in Urich,MO.
