How Does the Congregation See Me?
By Dr. Bethel Webb
Does appearance matter?
What about perception?
Should I care how others see me—or just focus on being the godly woman God called me to be?
For many pastors’ wives, these aren’t theoretical questions. These are the ones that come up in the quiet corners of our hearts—when someone makes an offhand comment, when we’re overlooked in the decision-making, or when we feel pressure to show up a certain way… because people are watching.
And make no mistake—people are watching.
We All Have Stories
I’ve sat with pastors’ wives from different denominations, different cultures, different generations—and I’ve heard the same chorus, sung in slightly different tunes:
“They see me as an extension of my husband. His hiring felt like a two-for-one deal.”
“They don’t care about what I do for a living or whether I even have dreams of my own.”
“I’m expected to be the shepherd for the women and the kids… without ever being given a formal title or voice.”
“They think I’m strong and emotionally stable—but I feel like I’m barely holding it together.”
“Do they see me at all—or just ‘the pastor’s wife’? Will I ever be more than who I married?”
These statements echo a deeper ache: Who am I, really? And does anyone in my church know or care to find out?
The Truth About Perception
Here’s the hard truth: perception matters.
It’s not everything—but it does shape how people treat you. Mature believers will try to see you with grace and truth, but not everyone is mature. Some have expectations they never voice. Others carry assumptions they don’t even realize. And sometimes, no matter how faithfully you serve, someone will still misinterpret your motives or compare you to the last pastor’s wife.
Romans 14:1 encourages us to welcome those whose faith is weak, not to argue or grow bitter. That includes being patient when someone sees us through the lens of their limited experience. Grace doesn’t mean pretending; it just means we choose not to live defined by others’ assumptions.
Anchor Yourself to What’s True
When people’s opinions swirl around you like a storm, you need to anchor yourself to something far more stable.
Ask yourself:
How do I see myself—outside of ministry or marriage?
Have I unknowingly let others’ voices reshape my the way I view myself?
Do I even like the woman I’ve become—or am I just surviving?
What parts of me am I hiding? Why?
What would it look like to show up more fully and honestly in my church community?
You were never meant to wear a mask, carry a performance, or play a role you didn’t audition for.
Psalm 139 reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. That includes your gifts, your limitations, your past, your personality. Nothing about you is a surprise to God. But it might be a surprise to you how much of yourself you’ve been suppressing just to “fit in.”
You Can’t Sustain a Life of Hiding
Let me say this clearly: you were not called to invisibility.
You were also not called to be invincible.
You were created to be known. Not by everyone—but by someone.
You cannot sustain a life of hiding behind expectations, assumptions, or ministry performance.
If you’ve been wearing a strong front while secretly falling apart, I invite you to let trusted people into your reality. Don’t wait for a breakdown to finally open up. Let someone see the real you—not just the church version.
That might mean:
Meeting with a counselor
Opening up to a friend who is safe and wise
Letting your husband know what you’re really carrying
Being honest in a small group, even if it feels risky
You don’t have to reveal everything to everyone—but you do need somewhere to be real.
What’s the Invitation?
Here’s the beautiful twist: even if your congregation sees you only through a certain lens, God sees the whole picture—and He still delights in you.
You are not defined by public opinion. You are not reduced to your role.
You are God’s beloved, His daughter, His vessel—and His view of you is never distorted.
The invitation is this:
Don’t live for their applause.
Don’t hide behind their assumptions.
And don’t measure your worth by their words.
Instead, ask God to help you live grounded, anchored, and known—in Him and in safe, healing relationships. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You just need to be faithful to what God has entrusted to you.
