Grace Beyond Words: Navigating Conflict as a Pastor’s Wife

By: Tessa McGilbra

I didn’t expect a tense exchange in the church lobby, but suddenly, there I was—blindsided, caught between saying too much or keeping it brief. What started as a simple conversation quickly spiraled into a full blown conflict. A misunderstanding had clearly happened and with every word, the divide between us grew wider. Even worse, it didn’t happen privately—it was public for all to see. I felt as if I were on display, completely exposed and vulnerable in a way I hadn’t expected.

As a pastor’s wife, I’ve learned these moments don’t ask for permission; they just show up—uninvited, and often with an audience. This time, it was with someone in ministry who understood the calling and responsibility of leadership, and the importance of handling conflict biblically—starting with addressing it privately. Perhaps in the rush of the morning, she hadn’t fully heard what I said. Maybe she misread my tone. And there’s always the possibility that I miscommunicated. Either way, it was uncomfortable and hard to navigate.

I had a few choices: snap back, extend grace, or hold in my frustration. I chose silence in hopes that it would defuse things. Instead, it trapped my emotions, making everything feel heavier. I realize now that I didn’t respond in the way I should have. Over time, I’ve come to see there is a better, more God-honoring way to handle situations like this.

Ministry life can throw us off balance in an instant. One minute things are going smoothly, and the next, we’re shaken by something we didn’t see coming. The truth is: conflict is an inevitable part of the journey we take as ministry wives. But instead of letting that trip us up, we can view it as an opportunity to lean into God’s grace, grow in our capacity to reflect Christ, and strengthen our relationships with God and others. 

In the days after that lobby exchange, I found myself replaying the experience in my mind. I didn’t dwell on the specifics as much as the feelings of uncertainty and disappointment in how I handled the situation. I wanted to believe I had done the right thing by keeping my comments few, but silence doesn’t always bring peace. Most of the time, it just delays the work that needs to be done in our own hearts.

I kept asking myself: What was I trying to protect by staying silent? My pride? My image? The “peace” I hoped would come from not escalating things?

True peace often requires us to face discomfort head-on. It wasn’t about who was right. It was about how I responded. I realized I had missed an opportunity—not just to clear up a misunderstanding, but to show grace in a more intentional way. Extending grace doesn’t always come naturally. It’s a choice and one we must make daily. But it’s also a gift, to ourselves, and to those around us. 

What really stayed with me was that soft, honest check in my heart. I began to see it wasn’t about finding perfect words, but trusting that with honesty, reflection, and care, there’s always a way back to understanding. Ministry is full of messy moments, but in those times, we’re invited to lean into God’s wisdom and reflect the same patience He shows us. And maybe, just maybe, those awkward church lobby conversations can become places of grace.

A gracious response—then and in the future—means holding back quick judgements and giving space to truly hear rather than react out of self-protection. It involves speaking with care and choosing to respond with gentleness. This mindset invites peace to grow, even in the most difficult circumstances. 

I’m learning that when my emotions rise, I can pause and pray. This pause creates space for the Holy Spirit to check my heart and adjust my perspective. Calling to mind God’s Word can guide me to remember that how I respond matters more than how I feel. That way I can focus on choosing thoughtful, clear-headed responses instead of just reacting with my emotions –

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19),
“A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1),
“As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

These verses show me that I don’t have to default to defense—dependence on God is always the better choice. When emotions run high, Scripture helps me pause and ask: What’s really driving this reaction? Is it pride? Fear? Exhaustion? As I invite God into that space, things start to clear. And it’s in that settled space that I can choose my next step with more clarity. Sometimes that means stepping back, taking a breath, and praying before re-engaging. Other times, it gives me the strength to speak with a calm heart, not a combative one.

Conflict isn’t your enemy. It’s an invitation to grow in wisdom, courage, and compassion.

Jesus modeled this beautifully—He didn’t avoid conflict. He handled it with grace and truth. He didn’t speak to win arguments, but to restore hearts. In Matthew 18:15, He said, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.” That one line gives us so much: privacy, honesty, courage, and love.

We often wish conflict would resolve quickly, but grace calls us to navigate tension with humility and strength. It means having the patience to pursue resolution and not just silence the opposition. Grace encourages us to speak with the intention to heal, not  harm. Whether you’re confronting or absorbing, grace shifts the entire atmosphere.

Grace isn’t passive, it’s powerful. It softens hearts and brings peace—not always with others, but always within. It’s about offering myself kindness and trusting that, even in my missteps, God is still at work in me. Sometimes grace means holding your tongue. Other times, it’s speaking up with love. Whatever the situation, it always starts with an openness to God displaying His power in me, enabling me to speak or be silent.

If you've ever walked away from a moment thinking, ‘I didn’t handle that well’, give yourself grace. You’re learning and growing. The amazing thing is that God never wastes a single moment. He works through every tension, every pause, and every word—whether spoken or unspoken. Even amid the struggle, you can celebrate the living, active power of the Holy Spirit within you that brought that conviction. God is working in you!

Through trial and error, I've learned a few practical steps that help me respond with grace when ministry tensions pop up—ones you can lean on whenever those situations come your way:

  1. Pause and pray. A quick breath and prayer can prevent regret. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and let your faith speak louder than frustration.

  2. Don’t rush the response. Clarity often comes with space. You’re allowed to protect peace.

  3. Assume the best. This doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can soften your heart as you seek understanding. Try to understand what’s behind their words, even if you disagree.

  4. Ask yourself hard questions. Think about your own heart. What’s really going on here? What would a wise, Spirit-led response look like? What is God showing me?

  5. Be willing to revisit. When emotions are charged, it’s okay to say, “Can we revisit this in a bit?” Taking a break can often pave the way for healing.

If you’ve already been through a ministry conflict and wish you’d acted differently, start by giving yourself grace, then allow time for thoughtful reflection. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • Did I act with intention, or was I driven by emotion? 

  • What would grace look like in this circumstance?

  • How can I honor God—even if the other person never sees my side?

Ask God what your next right step is. Perhaps it’s an apology, perhaps a conversation, or maybe it’s just letting something go. As you move forward, continue leaning into the wisdom and grace He freely offers (James 1:5).

Being a ministry wife is a privilege that comes with some really sweet highs and a fair share of hard conversations too. None of it is wasted—God is shaping us through it all. More and more, I’m seeing that spiritual maturity isn’t just seen in how I serve on Sundays or encourage others in their walk. It’s revealed in the unseen moments, when I choose patience over pride, peace over proving a point, humility over being heard.

Looking back, I’m grateful for that uncomfortable moment in the lobby—not because it felt good, but because it uncovered something God wanted to refine in me. Conflict, as unwelcome as it is, has a way of exposing what’s beneath the surface. And sometimes, what comes to light isn’t pretty. But that’s where grace meets us—in the raw, unfiltered places we’d rather avoid. The journey isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about returning to Jesus again and again, letting Him shape how we respond, love, and lead—especially when things are difficult. 

If you find yourself in a tense moment—misunderstood, frustrated, or caught off guard—pause. Breathe. Pray. Invite God into that space before you speak. Ask Him to help you respond, not just react.

If there’s a moment you wish you could redo, you’re not alone. Jesus will meet you there—not with shame, but with grace that can turn mistakes into something meaningful.

As ministry wives, we’re a vital part of the calling. That means we’re invited into the joys, the service, and yes—even the hard moments—on purpose. You’re not expected to respond perfectly, but you are invited to respond faithfully. Let grace guide you, even when your emotions try to lead.


About the Author:

Tessa serves alongside her husband, Michael, who is the Associate Pastor at New Breed Church in Louisville, Kentucky. As she walks with God, she’s reminded of His faithfulness, knowing everything He does is purposeful and prepares her for what’s ahead. She’s served in both small and large churches—church planting, directing VBS, leading in youth and women’s ministry, and coordinating events and speakers—while also working outside the home and raising two kids. Encouraging other ministry wives is close to her heart, and she loves creating space for honest conversations, mutual support, and helping them grow in their calling.

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