Communication 101: Setting up Boundaries
By Bethel B. Webb
Being married to a pastor comes with unique challenges, especially when ministry starts to blur the lines between family and professional life. In my experience, pastors’ wives often fall into one of two categories:
The Companion – She didn’t feel called to ministry herself but felt called to marry a pastor. This wife may stay at home, work outside the church, or simply choose not to be involved in ministry activities. She often has an easier time setting boundaries because ministry isn’t her calling—just her husband’s.
The Co-Laborer – She felt called to ministry even before her marriage. She may work outside the church, juggle childcare, and serve actively in ministry—sometimes even on staff. This wife often struggles with boundaries because ministry feels like her weight to carry too.
If you’re in the second category, you understand the tension: you’re not the pastor, but it can feel like the church’s needs are always creeping into your space. In small, rural churches, it’s even harder to avoid this dynamic. For those of you wrestling with where to draw the line—I see you.
Many pastor’s wives have shared how overwhelming it feels when their husbands vent about ministry struggles. It’s tough to balance being a supportive spouse while safeguarding your own emotional and spiritual health. Here are six practical ways to establish and maintain healthy boundaries:
1. Guard Your Time Together
Ministry talk can dominate your conversations if you’re not careful. Set a time and place for these discussions—use a timer if necessary. Ministry updates don’t need to seep into every corner of your lives.
2. Be Honest About Your Limits
If certain topics or details feel too heavy for you to handle, let him know lovingly but firmly. Communicating your boundaries isn’t rejecting him—it’s protecting your marriage.
3. Be Present, But Don’t Play Fixer
When your husband needs to vent, give him your full attention. Empathize with him, but resist the urge to solve the problem. Sometimes, your presence is all he needs.
4. Encourage Outside Support
Your husband shouldn’t only rely on you for emotional processing. If he doesn’t have someone else—a mentor, counselor, or pastor’s cohort—he needs to find one. This will not only lighten your load but also give him fresh perspectives. Encourage him to join the cohort for pastors offered by Practical Shepherding: https://practicalshepherding.com/cohort
5. Keep Your Frustrations in Check
If you’re frustrated with the church or specific situations, avoid venting in a way that adds to his stress. Instead, seek out mentorship or participate in Zoom calls with other pastor’s wives who understand your journey. Having a safe space to process your feelings is vital. Email Kellye@practicalsheperding.org for info about mentorship and Bethel@practicalshephedring.org for the Zoom calls.
6. Pray Together
End heavy conversations with prayer. This practice helps shift the burden from both of you to God, bringing peace and clarity.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s essential. It protects your marriage, preserves your mental health, and ultimately strengthens your ability to serve well in your unique role. Whether you’re a companion or a co-laborer, remember: you’re not alone in this. Support is out there, and taking care of yourself is a crucial part of taking care of your family and your church.
Bethel was born in Manila and was raised in Laoag City, Philippines. Growing up as a pastor’s kid exposed Bethel to the challenges of full-time ministry. She serves as Women’s Ministry Assistant and partners with Practical Shepherding through providing counseling to pastor’s wives.