Friendship in the Fishbowl: When You’re a Ministry Wife Looking for Real Friends

by: Dr. Bethel B Webb

"I just want to be treated like a normal person," she said, her voice cracking just a little. “But when people see me, they either avoid me or start pouring out all their problems. I’m either invisible… or the church’s emotional dumpster.”

Oof. If you're a ministry wife, maybe you've felt that too.

Another pastor’s wife once told me about the time she opened up about a personal struggle with a few women in her church. They listened… then something shifted. They started treating her differently, like her vulnerability had crossed a line. The unspoken message? “You're not allowed to be messy. Not you.”

And then there was the woman who shared this:
"People don’t open up around me because they’re afraid I’ll tell my husband. Like I’m some kind of sin informant! I’ve never done that to anyone, but still—there’s this wall I can’t get past."

If this hits close to home, let me tell you—you are not alone.

Making and keeping friendships as a ministry wife can be uniquely complicated. Here’s why:

Why Is It So Hard?

• You're living in a glass house.
  Everyone sees you, but few really see you. They project expectations—holiness, hospitality, harmony—on a 24/7 loop.

• People confuse your role with your identity.
  You're often seen as “the pastor’s wife” before you’re known as you.

• You’ve been burned.
  Vulnerability hasn’t always gone well. When honesty is met with awkward silence or gossip, self-protection takes over.

So What Do We Do? Is Deep Friendship Even Possible?

Yes. But it might look smaller and slower than you hoped—and that’s okay. Here are a few ideas to help you build the kind of connections that last:

7 Friendship Survival Tips for Ministry Wives

1. One or two is enough.
Don’t go searching for a tribe of ten. Start with one or two emotionally healthy women. Look for someone who listens well, keeps confidences, and doesn’t idolize (or fear) your title.

2. Expect a little weirdness. Love anyway.
Sometimes you'll share something real, and people won’t know what to do with it. Don’t shut down. Not everyone knows how to handle vulnerability—but that doesn’t mean you were wrong to offer it.

3. Step outside the church bubble.
A book club, pottery class, or gym buddy can offer refreshing, drama-free friendship. You don’t always need “Christian” spaces to find soul care. Sometimes you just need safe humans.

4. Work friends count.
If you work outside the home, lean into those relationships. They often come with fewer expectations and less church baggage.

5. Not everyone has to be deep.
Some friends are for game nights and light laughter—and that’s beautiful too. Surface friendships aren’t failures; they’re just one layer of community.

6. Find hobby-fueled friendship.
Shared activity creates connection. Think less “Let’s cry together over coffee” and more “Let’s take this calligraphy class and giggle over our bad handwriting.”

7. Manage your expectations.
People will disappoint you sometimes. That doesn’t mean you stop hoping—it just means you stop demanding. Let friendship be a grace, not a guarantee.

Here's What I Know:

You are not too much. You are not alone. And you're not the only one craving a connection that doesn’t come with a side of pressure.

Friendship as a ministry wife isn’t impossible—it’s just different. And that’s okay.

Start small. Stay soft. Take brave steps toward community, even if it feels risky.

You were made for relationship—and yes, even you get to be on the receiving end of care.

Want more like this? I’ve got more heart-to-heart conversations for ministry wives right here.