Can I Have Friends in Ministry?
By Liz Roy
A question that often arises within vocational ministry circles is “Do you have friends in your church?” It comes up because underneath the question is a mountain of other questions and thoughts.
• What does it look like to have friends in the church?
• How do I navigate making friends in the church?
• Can I have close friendships, or will that seem like a clique?
• How do I know if people only want to be my friend because of my husband?
• How do I share my sorrows, burdens, and sin without sharing too much?
• What can I, or should I, share?
• Is it important to have friends outside the church?
• I feel like I am not really friends with other women because I am always in the role of “pastor’s wife.”
• No one asks me to do anything because I am the pastor’s wife.
• When I attend events, it can change the “tone” of the gathering and people seem uncomfortable.
• People don’t try to get to know me as a person who needs friendship from other women.
When we started in ministry ten years ago, I had many of these questions. My husband and I left a large church, and I left friends and a thriving women’s ministry, as we followed the Lord and planted a church in Louisville. I was not prepared for the relational loneliness that followed over the next twoyears. At first, I continued to periodically meet with friends from our previous church while also trying to build new friendships with three women who were part of our church plant. These three women had busy lives and we were not connected other than through Sunday worship and our other weekly gatherings. Without time to cultivate relationships, I struggled to connect with them and found myself on an island.
I really didn’t know how to navigate this new and strange way forward with friendships in my 40’s! For most of my adult life friends had come naturally and easily, but this was new territory. I was deeply depressed about leaving our previous church and the ministry God had given to me there.Looking back, I am sure my countenance showed that I did not want any new friends. I wanted what I had, not what God was giving to me.
Jesus is Your Friend
I know this is trite, but it is worth repeating that Jesus is your friend. He initiates friendship with us and draws us into intimacy and fellowship with Him. I have had to learn that the long and hard way.We may feel lonely, but we are never alone. We may feel like no one notices us, but Jesus notices us. We may feel like no one is praying for us, but Jesus is praying. We may think no one knows the hurts we experience, but Jesus knows our hurts.
Know this dear sister—whatever you and I desire most in a friend, we have it all in God. I think that is the beauty of having earthly friends. No one person has everything you need or want in a friend, nor are you a perfect friend to others. Some friends are encouragers. Some friends are exhorters. Some friends are counselors. Some friends are good listeners. Some friends are quick with a helping hand.Some friends are generous with gifts. Some friends invite you into their homes. Some friends take you out. Some friends notice when you are weary and burdened. Some friends laugh with you. Some friends cry with you. Some friends confront you in your darkness. Some friends urge you on to holiness. Some friends pray with you and for you. Some friends persevere with you. Some friends sharpen you. Some friends are intimate. Each friend displays the beauty of Christ so that we long for our true friendship in Him. He is the only one who truly knows us, accepts us, and loves us as we are.
Knowing that Jesus is our friend does not take away the sting of loneliness, rejection, or sadness you may be experiencing in this season of your life. It’s not wrong to desire intimate friendship on the horizontal level. We are made for relationships, and it is good and right to have friends. Consider David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, Paul and Timothy, Jesus and His disciples. But, friendship is a gift given by God and ought to point us to find satisfaction for this deep longing in Christ.
The question still remains: Is it possible to have friends in the church? Yes, even as a pastor’s wife it is possible! And it is good for your soul! Like any other non-ministry friendship, I have found navigating friendships in vocational ministry to be rewarding, hard, messy, exhausting, fearful, joyful, teary, and lonely. Like any other friendship, I have found they take time and effort. The three women with whom I struggled to connect with ten years ago are now my closest friends within our church, but they are not my only friends!
Cultivating Friendships
Seeking out friendships within the church is a lot like cultivating a garden. As we tend to the garden of our hearts, our spiritual eyes begin to open to the variety of friends God may be bringing into our lives.Here are some exhortations to keep in mind as you pray and look for the friends God may be providing in your life.
Cultivate faithfulness and contentment. (Acts 17:25-26, Philippians 4:12)
God has determined where you will live today. Be faithful in this season He has determined is specifically for your good. You may be discontent because you aren’t back in college with your best friend, or discontent like I was because I wasn’t at my previous church with my friends. Be faithful and content with the people God has ordained and seek out friendships within your local body and with those around you. Maybe it’s with an older woman at church from a different socio-economic background. Maybe it’s with another mom at your child’s school. Maybe it’s another pastor’s wife in your city.
Cultivate love. (Romans 12:10)
Instead of using people to affirm us or accept us or fill an emotional need, cultivate a genuine and deep love for the women in your church and see how the Lord might bring you a friend! Pray for the women and seek to care deeply for them (even the really needy ones!).
Cultivate community. (Romans 2:11, James 2:1, 1 John 1:4)
We are prone to favoritism in our flesh, and it will be easier to befriend some women over others.While Jesus did have His inner circle of three disciples, He did not have a “clique.” We can have deep friendships within the church body, but we want to cultivate community and not erect walls. Biblical friendships are lived out in community instead of isolating from community.
Ultimately, even the best of friends will disappoint us or fail us. And we will disappoint and fail them. But we know that Christ will never fail them or us. We can trust Him to be the friend who sticks closer than a brother (see Prov. 18:24, John 15:14-15).
“He is your friend who pushes you nearer to God.”
-Abraham Kuyper
Liz Roy is a pastor’s wife in Louisville, KY where she serves alongside her husband in their northeast Louisville church plant. She finds great joy in shepherding the women of her church and caring for their souls. She and her husband, Jay, have been married for 28 years; they have two daughters and one grandchild on the way. In her free time, Liz enjoys discipleship, writing, taking walks with her husband, running, and Earl Grey tea with cream. Liz serves as a volunteer mentor for Practical Shepherding Women.