We All Have Control Issues
By Bethel B. Webb
That's a strong statement, Bethel. In truth, we all grapple with control issues simply because we're finite beings. If we paused to assess our lives, we might be surprised by how much energy we pour into trying to control every aspect. Now, let me be clear: control in itself isn't inherently bad. It's when control becomes the overriding goal of our existence that can lead us down destructive paths.
God designed us to be dependent on Him. Our limitations are not a consequence of the Fall, nor are they a design flaw. They're precisely what God intended. Our dependence on God creates intimacy with him which produces peace that passeth understanding. (Phil 4:7) Life is unpredictable, and we do not have all the information. This uncertainty is intentional, encouraging us to trust in His wisdom and guidance.
The Fall separated us from God. Living in a dangerous, fallen world, cut off from the source of all things, is a terrifying experience. Fear became a dominant emotion in our hearts. For people in ministry, nothing is predictable. Your husband might be called to attend an urgent meeting with little notice. An elder or congregation member might suddenly criticize your husband's leadership and demand his resignation. Your child could face a sudden health issue, or you might experience the heartbreak of infertility. Financial strains can arise unexpectedly, putting additional pressure on your family. You may have to move frequently, uprooting your family from familiar surroundings. Emotional and spiritual burnout can also be a constant threat, as the demands of ministry often extend beyond normal working hours, leaving little time for personal rejuvenation.
Control is often a way to cope with the uncertainty and unpredictability of life. This need for control can manifest in various aspects of our lives, from meticulous planning and strict routines to attempting to influence the actions and decisions of others. When faced with the unknown, our natural inclination is to grasp for control, seeking to manage our circumstances and outcomes to feel secure. We began to rely on ourselves, only to realize our weaknesses and that we are not God. We worked to provide and protect ourselves, but ultimately fall short. So we sought out alternative gods – money, reputation, relationships, government – only to find ourselves still wanting. The result? Anxiety, chaos, burnout, shame, and other negative experiences became the norm.
How then can we address our unhealthy desire for control then? Here are some steps you can take:
1) Acknowledging our control issues
Change begins with a confession. Acknowledge before God that the desire to be GOD is deeply rooted in your old self. While you strive to put to death the old self daily, there are times when it still manages to resurrect and assert itself.
2) Celebrating our inherent limitations
Admitting your weaknesses is not easy, but it is incredibly freeing. Acknowledging that you are not omnipotent like God lifts a significant burden off your shoulders. It liberates you from the unrealistic expectations of perfection and allows you to embrace your humanity. This acceptance, however, often brings up another concern: will other people accept my limitations?
The truth is, you cannot control how others will respond to your boundaries and limitations. What you can control is how you communicate them. Clearly and confidently expressing your boundaries is essential. Let others know what you can and cannot do, and be firm in your stance. While some may struggle to accept your limitations, remember that their response is their responsibility, not yours.
3) Identify what you control the most and assess the impact of your control
Once you have done the two steps, you can now ask God to reveal to you what you control the most. By doing this, you will reveal what you are most afraid of.
If your primary focus is controlling your reputation, your greatest fear becomes having a bad reputation. This fear can drive you to obsess over others' perceptions, leading to constant anxiety about how you are viewed and judged. Your actions may become overly calculated and insincere, as you strive to present a perfect image to the world.
If you attempt to control your child’s actions, you are likely driven by the fear that they will make mistakes or do something wrong. This can result in overbearing and restrictive parenting, where the child feels stifled and unable to learn from their own experiences. Such an approach can strain your relationship with your child and inhibit their growth and independence.
If you seek to control your ability to get pregnant, your fear centers on the pain of not having children. This fear can lead to an intense focus on fertility, potentially causing stress and emotional turmoil. The pressure you place on yourself can be overwhelming, and the joy of the journey can be overshadowed by the anxiety of achieving a specific outcome.
4) We can begin to process our fears with trusted individuals or even seek professional help.
This increased self-awareness can be intimidating and scary. Do not do it by yourself. Try to include your husband or a trusted friend. And if needed, reach out for professional help. Practical Shepherding provides subsidized counseling for pastors’ wives and women in ministry. Email Kellye@practicalshepherding.org.
5) Establishing regular habits that foster reliance on God can help us overcome these fears.
Spiritual disciplines serve as vital reminders that we need to rely on God in every aspect of our lives. Each discipline helps us recognize and acknowledge our dependence on Him.
Prayer: Through prayer, we acknowledge our need to look to God for strength and the fulfillment of our needs.
Bible Reading: When we read the Bible, we confess our need for God's wisdom.
Worship and Church Attendance: By gathering with other believers, we admit our need for community. We need the encouragement, accountability, and spiritual growth that come from fellowship with others who share our faith.
Fasting: Fasting trains our bodies to rely not on food for sustenance, but on God. It is a practice of self-denial that sharpens our spiritual focus and reminds us of our dependence on God for all things.
6) Importantly, we must exercise control over the things within our control, while surrendering the rest to God.
This means recognizing that while we can't foresee every challenge or obstacle, we can focus on our actions and decisions today. We still need to plan, save, and make prudent choices. We are definitely called to be wise and ready, preparing ourselves for the future while trusting in God's guidance. So, what are the things within our control today? Work hard to do your best, be diligent in your responsibilities, and remain faithful in your efforts. Embrace a mindset of stewardship, taking care of what has been entrusted to you, and trust that God will handle the rest.
It is very easy to grasp for control and, in the process, lose control of our desire for it. The paradox lies in the fact that the more we try to dominate every aspect of our lives, the more likely we are to become overwhelmed and anxious. This is why Matthew 11:28-30 is so freeing. Jesus is saying to you today, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Bethel was born in Manila and was raised in Laoag City, Philippines. Growing up as a pastor’s kid exposed Bethel to the challenges of full-time ministry. She serves as Women’s Ministry Assistant and partners with Practical Shepherding through providing counseling to pastor’s wives.