Dear Pastor’s Wife, Have Fun
By Kellye Carmack
I’ve always been a rather serious person. I prefer a good conversation where we talk about real life issues while playing board games or watching movies. When hanging out with friends, I have to be careful not drag the conversation down with serious topics. I’m not what you would call “the life of the party.” My mentor in college often tried to get me to lighten up. I remember her sitting across from me on her couch and enunciating every word, “Kellye! Have F.U.N. Fun! Run barefoot through the grass and let your hair flow in the wind!” I wish that I had taken her advice about having fun more seriously.
We often talk about the regular stress that a pastor’s family experiences. I’ve talked with many pastors’ wives who struggle to incorporate fun, enjoyable activities into the rhythm of family life. Sometimes it’s because of limited finances or lack of time, but sometimes it’s because the pain of ministry robs them of joy. Nothing feels fun when you are weighed down with heavy burdens. After all, it’s hard to enjoy a trip to the park when your mind is consumed with a difficult situation at church. And a trip to the movies isn’t fun when your mind is distracted with the reminder of someone’s criticism running circles in your head. Ministry is also not a nine to five job. There will always be someone in your church to disciple or a need that should be met. When the needs are great, ministry families may struggle to justify doing activities outside of ministry. It can encompass their whole lives, and it can be difficult to have healthy work boundaries.
Many ministry families give up their hobbies and passions to spend more time doing ministry, but the things that bring you joy may be the exact things that God uses to minister through you. I’m not saying there won’t be sacrifices that we have to make for our church, but don’t sacrifice something that God may want to use. The same God who knit you together with your passions, called you to ministry, and He wants to use all of you for His glory.
You may have to be intentional about finding enjoyable things to do outside of ministry. If you want to persevere in a lifetime of faithful service, then you have to pace yourself, take breaks, and do other things you love to do. A little fun and laughter can breathe new life into a tired ministry family. It’s easy to get caught up in a busy, hard season, and we need to find ways of regular refreshment.
So how can you incorporate healthy breaks into your life? I want to offer a few suggestions that may help:
Remember what you love. Spend some time reflecting on what you love doing with your time. What makes you laugh? What gives you energy? What are you really good at? Plan a time to do an activity that you haven’t done in a long time.
Learn what your spouse loves. Take this as an opportunity to love your spouse. When my husband learned that I love international food, he got a list of all the international restaurants in our city and told me to circle all the ones I wanted to try. We’ve since had many date nights trying cuisines from around the world. There is much joy in giving good gifts to someone you love.
Move your body. If you are struggling to “turn ministry off” in your mind, try moving your body. Go for a swim or a hike. Turn up some music and dance around the living room with your kids. Moving your body can help unclog a cluttered, overflowing mind.
When was the last time you and your family spent time enjoying one another’s company or doing something fun without talking about ministry? There are so many reasons we can give to not take breaks, but the reality is we are finite and need to recharge often. Breaks are a gift from God, and as my mentor in college said, “Let your hair down and enjoy them.”
Kellye is the Women’s Ministry Director for Practical Shepherding Women’s Ministry. She has an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies and a master’s degree in Biblical Counseling. She served as a missionary in Western Europe for two years, helping to share the hope of Christ with women in difficult situations. Kellye met her husband, Craig, in seminary and they have been married for 8 years. She loves helping women discover the unique ways God has gifted them to serve the church.