Two Ditches to Avoid When Sharing Your Struggles with Church Friends
By Liz Roy
Friendships can be difficult to develop and maintain for those of us in vocational ministry. As a pastor’s wife, I have three close friends, but I also have many other friends at our church. God has given us Himself in the Spirit of Christ, and He has given many of us friends with whom we share the sorrows of this earthly life. Often, in ministry, we wonder if we should share difficulties, and, if so, how much to share with our friends.
We need wisdom, counsel, and ears to hear the Spirit as He guides us because this topic is a bit difficult to navigate. As we delve in, we want to come out on the other side leaning on God’s good and wise counsel and not leaning on our own understanding, reasoning, logic, or feelings. [1]
While some women are naturally more comfortable opening up and sharing everything with a close friend or anyone within earshot, there are others who are not inclined to be vulnerable at all, preferring to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves.
Some of you may have very personal reasons for not opening up because you have been burned by people in the church. You may have shared a personal sin struggle, or a family situation, or your feelings towards another—only to find out later out that what you shared privately was repeated. I’ve not experienced member meeting finger pointing. I’ve not experienced backstabbing or gossip. I’ve not experienced hostility towards my husband. I’ve not experienced the glaring eyes of busybodies. But many of you have. My hurts are mere scratches compared to the deep wounds many of you have received. Although I have not experienced such pain, I hurt for you and understand that it may be hard to trust that you can have deep friendships for fear of history repeating itself. You want to draw close to another female friend in church, but the idea of stepping out and taking risks seems frightening.
Since we are sinners worshiping and living life together with other sinners, we often experience lots of bruises and bumps from relational difficulties within the church. Many of these difficulties don’t make the front-page news of our lives, but, instead, get buried into the back pages of our hearts.
Two Ditches to Avoid When Sharing Your Struggles
There are two extremes we must avoid when it comes to sharing. Falling in either ditch can make sharing difficult or regretful. If we aren’t careful, thorns and thistles can begin to take root and we either absorb the hurts, difficulties, and pain in our hearts, or we dump the hurts, difficulties, and pain on our friends. [2] When we absorb our trials, struggles, and sadness, we can be prone to share too little. Conversely, when we dump our trials, struggles, and sadness then we can be prone to share too much.
God’s Guardrails for Sharing Your Struggles
We are most likely accustomed to seeing guardrails placed along highways across the country. We probably do not give much thought to why they are there or the protection they provide as we continue down the road. But when brought to our attention, we realize they are there for our good to keep us from going off into a ditch or an area of trees. Like physical guardrails, we need God’s guardrails on the path of holiness as we consider if we should share, or how much, with our friends. On one side is the guardrail of a good, loving sovereign God and on the other side is the guardrail of His Word.
While God’s sovereignty is a doctrine to know and believe, we are not trusting in a doctrine, we are trusting in a Person! Jerry Bridges states in his book Trusting God, “God is completely sovereign, infinite in wisdom, and perfect in love.”[3] Our Triune God is ruling and reigning His Kingdom and His people in wisdom and love. At times, we might deal with people that are hard, words that are arrows in our hearts, misunderstandings, failed expectations, unmet desires, or disunity within the fellowship of believers. The Word reminds us that God rules over everything, and at the same time, He knows we are grieved by the very trials He ordains.[4] His rule over all does not negate His deep compassion and unfailing love for us in our pain. We can trust that all He ordains is sifted through a Father’s hands of love. His providence means that in His infinite wisdom He is caring for us in a way that is best for us and brings Him glory even when it comes in the form of relational strife.
Trusting God and resting in His providence, in the midst of people’s sin, failures, and weaknesses that hurt and maim us is hard. The guardrail of a sovereign, wise, and loving God keeps us from fixating on the horizontal pain and strife and puts our focus vertically on God, who is not out to get us, but out to shape us into the image of Christ. This upward gaze is expressed beautifully in Psalm 121:
I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
The psalmist goes on to declare several bold truths we can cling to in times of relational hardship:
The Lord does not sleep.
He is our keeper.
He is our shade and will protect and guard us.
This is our sovereign, wise, and loving God! Ultimately, our help comes from Him and not from our friends. So, instead of absorbing difficult circumstances and people into our own hearts, or dumping these trials onto our friends, we find God to be our help as He watches over us.
God’s Word teaches us how to communicate biblically so that we learn how to faithfully express ourselves without going off into either ditch of absorbing our hurts or dumping our hurts.
When we are sinned against or when we struggle with a difficult personality, we need to recall God’s Word. How often do I need to be reminded that we are to do everything we can to live at peace with others? [5] Living peaceably with others who have hurt us and have not sought forgiveness from us requires the grace of the Holy Spirit to forgive the offender. [6] If I don’t look to a sovereign God who loves me and seek to forgive from the heart, then most likely I will fail with my tongue and begin to dump on a friend. [7] Conversely, if I don’t remember those same truths, then I may absorb my hurts and begin to grow bitter and build up a brick wall in my heart.
Do You Need Someone Safe to Share With?
Many of us in ministry experience sensitive trials and pains that we’re not able to share with even our closest friends at church. You may be in a community where there are other really strong, likeminded churches. I would encourage you to cultivate relationships with other pastors’ wives in your area. The reality of the hardships in ministry is often best expressed with others in the trenches of ministry. At the same time, Practical Shepherding Women exists so that you can seek counsel outside of your church. With us, you have the opportunity to safely lay open your heart with all its hurts, feelings, fears, and struggles. We want to come alongside you and listen, but also point you to your only hope.
Hope isn’t found in us agreeing with you or validating you even when those hurts are real. Hope is found in Christ and knowing that no matter what relational difficulty exists, no matter what unkind words have been said about you, no matter how many hard trials are overtaking you, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort is with you, and your Savior is praying for you. [8]
Footnotes:
Proverbs. 3:5-6
See Hebrews 12:15
Jerry Bridges, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1988).
Psalm 103:19, 1 Peter 1:6
Romans 12:18
Colossians 3:12-13
Matthew 18:21-35
2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Hebrews 7:25
Liz Roy is a pastor’s wife in Louisville, KY where she serves alongside her husband in their northeast Louisville church plant. She finds great joy in shepherding the women of her church and caring for their souls. She and her husband, Jay, have been married for 28 years; they have two daughters and one grandchild on the way. In her free time, Liz enjoys discipleship, writing, taking walks with her husband, running, and Earl Grey tea with cream. Liz serves as a volunteer mentor for Practical Shepherding Women.