Battling Loneliness in a Ministry Marriage
By Glenna Marshall
Many people assume that ministry couples have strong, healthy marriages. While this may be true of you or true at different points in your marriage, it isn’t always a right assumption. Ministry couples are just like everyone else—we must work at communication and connection. The stresses of ministry add potential areas of conflict that must be worked, prayed, and talked through.
At Practical Shepherding Women, one of the most common comments we receive from ministry wives is that they are lonely. Lonely in their churches and lonely in their marriages because of the demand on their husbands from their churches. The results of this loneliness are often burnout, resentment, and bitterness. Is this you? Perhaps your husband is burning the candle at both ends as a single-model pastor without the help of elders or a ministry board. Or, maybe you’re as overcommitted as he is with responsibilities or areas of service. Perhaps you simply feel totally overwhelmed by parenting solo much of the time while your husband is serving, preaching, doing hospital visits, attending meetings, and studying. Maybe you feel lonely and overlooked and can feel resentment creeping in.
You can always reach out to us at Practical Shepherding Women for support, but here are some additional ways to think through a difficult season of marriage in ministry.
1. Pray regularly for your marriage.
You might notice that much of our encouragement at PSW begins with prayer. That’s because prayer isn’t a last resort. Prayer is proactive. Prayer is protection. Prayer is connection with the Father. Before we hash out our issues with anyone else, we need to start with the Father who sees all and loves us. He has never left you, so turn your lonely heart to Him first. Pray specifically! Pray about communication, attitudes, and schedules. Pray for sincere love, humility, and honesty. If you and your husband are struggling with physical intimacy, pray about that. The Lord isn’t embarrassed by your frankness. If you are feeling more like roommates than husband and wife, pray about how to reestablish true companionship and closeness. Prayer will not only help you to unburden your heart, it will also shape your heart to find rest in the Lord’s faithful presence and friendship.
2. Consider whether you’re looking to your husband for what only Christ provides.
We point to spiritual disciplines a lot at PSW, and for good reason. No one can meet your needs like Jesus. And the way we spend time with Him will always be anchored in Scripture and in prayer. Being in ministry isn’t a guarantee that we are faithfully seeking the Lord in His Word. We need regular reminders and encouragement to saturate our lives with the truth of the Bible so that we can know how to live as God’s people and find certainty of His love for us. Are you spending time in the Word and prayer to nourish your soul? Only Jesus satisfies our deepest needs—and abundantly so! If you’re not sure where to start, open your Bible to one of the gospels and focus on how Jesus responded in His earthly ministry to busyness and being needed and interrupted. Look to the true rest that He offers those who are weary (see Matt. 11:28-30).
3. Act on your prayer requests.
There is nothing wrong with stepping out in faith. Once you are in the habit of praying for your marriage, obey in the direction the Lord is leading you. Don’t just wait for your husband to notice that you’re lonely. He’s busy and overloaded and possibly lonely himself, and he may not want to burden you with how he feels. Neither of you are mind-readers. You must communicate, so take that first step and open the lines of communication. If you need to sit down with your husband to reassess your schedule, plan for a day of rest, or have a much-needed conversation about how you’re feeling and how he’s doing, don’t just wait for that to happen. Talk to your husband about making this happen. You’re his wife and it’s more than okay to lovingly communicate your needs to him. Talk with your husband about how you’re feeling. Bottling things up is never good for a marriage. Don’t ambush him when he walks in the door, but pray about good timing when you can speak uninterrupted.
4. Don’t let your feelings of loneliness harbor resentment towards the church.
Becoming bitter can lead you away from both the body of Christ and your husband. I’ve watched pastors’ wives lean away from the church after being hurt or in response to their husband’s busy schedules. This kind of wagon-circling will not help your marriage. Rather, it will drive a deeper wedge between you two. And, it will hurt your relationship with the church. There have been seasons of immense pain in ministry when I have leaned away from my church family, and it has never, ever served me or my marriage well. What has helped is being all in, keeping my heart soft with confession and prayer, and talking honestly with my husband about our ministry life and boundaries. If you’re struggling with resentment because of the demands ministry makes of your marriage, confess those feelings and areas of sin to the Lord. Seek to keep your heart soft before Him by trusting Him with the calling He has placed on your lives as a married couple in ministry. This isn’t easy, but leaning towards the Lord and the things He loves will always be the right answer.*
Healthy Marriage, Healthy Ministry
When we talk about our time, our marriage, and balancing family life with ministry, my husband always says, “I can pastor anywhere, but I can only be married to you.” He regularly asks me to be honest with him about his time and focus, to tell him if he is tipping too far away from family life. And I do. But I also know that our life is one of sacrifice in ministry, so I don’t bring this up every time my plans are changed or interrupted. Discernment is necessary for distinguishing between the times when my husband really is too entrenched in his work and when I’m simply wanting things to be different.
I once told a disgruntled church member that if I didn’t have a healthy marriage, I couldn’t have a healthy ministry. My words weren’t well-received at the time because the church member was dissatisfied with how we spent our free time. That was nearly twenty years ago, though, and I have no regrets about prioritizing our marriage. It’s for the good of my church that my husband and I are not only on the same page but that our marriage is a source of joy for both of us. It takes time and work to make that a reality. You might get some flack from the church for focusing on your marriage so much, but in the end, the church itself will benefit from the attention you and your husband give to one another.
If you need extra support or someone to talk to, feel free to contact us at Practical Shepherding Women. We’re here to help you. Email us at kcarmackps@gmail.com.
*Author’s note: Please understand that I am not speaking to domestic or spiritually abusive situations. If you are in danger, please seek professional help. If you believe that you are being spiritually abused in a toxic church situation, please seek the help of a trusted Christian counselor.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R), Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway), and (Forthcoming) Memorizing Scripture: Basics, Blessings, and Benefits of Meditating on God’s Word (Moody Publishers).