How to Encourage Your Discouraged Pastor-Husband
By Glenna Marshall
One of the more challenging parts of being a ministry wife, I’ve learned, is knowing how to encourage my husband when he is discouraged. I flipped through some old journals recently and read entry after entry during some of our most tumultuous years in pastoral ministry. Over and over, I’d written the words, “How do I encourage my husband? I don’t know how to help him carry this burden.” It’s a recurring refrain that continued for years of my journaling and praying through difficult church matters and broken fellowship. I used my journal to chronicle what was happening in real time, and then I did the only thing I felt I had any power to do—I prayed for my husband.
There were a lot of ways I messed up as a young pastor’s wife (and a lot of ways I continue to mess up as a pastor’s wife) but praying for my husband wasn’t one of them. In God’s kindness, He showed me that I was powerless to change or control the situation in our ministry. Prayer was my best option. Talking about how we were hurt by church members with other church members would definitely have made things much worse. Prayer was my best option. And, I quickly learned that ranting and raving in my husband’s presence to restore some sense of justice only served to turn both of our hearts against our church members. Prayer was my best option. It is, to this day, still my best option when it comes to encouraging my husband when he’s down.
If you are watching your husband fold in on himself with discouragement because of what’s going on at church, I’m betting you’re wondering how in the world to help him. You can’t stand in the pulpit and rebuke everyone for how they’ve behaved. You can’t get on the phone and try to correct every piece of slander or gossip. You can’t stand up in the business meeting and shake your finger at the folks causing so much trouble, no matter how much you might want to. Take it from me—the knee-jerk desires you have to “fix” the problem of your husband’s discouragement are not likely to bring about the renewed peace and joy you hope for. Prayer really is one of the best ways you can fight for his encouragement. Here are some ways to pray specifically when he is down, discouraged, and ready to give up.
Pray for Peace.
Praying for encouragement may seem like we’re praying for changed circumstances, and while we certainly want to pray for things like normalcy, a reprieve from the firestorm at church, and restored relationships, we should still pray for matters of the heart until those things change. Your husband needs prayer over his heart while these hard things are currently going on.
Pray for your husband to have supernatural peace from the Lord that transcends his current suffering. Jesus Himself is our peace, so it’s possible to have a certain and steady heart even when life seems like it’s falling apart. Life may feel chaotic and hard, but Jesus is our sure and steady Anchor (Heb. 6:19). When the apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians and encouraged them to have peace among themselves, it was because Christ was the One who united them (Eph. 2:11-22). No matter their backgrounds, past grievances, ethnicities, or experiences—Jesus brought them together in peace as one body. The same is true for us in our churches today. Christ unites us. So, we can pray according to Scripture that we would see Christ as our source of peace and our reason for unity in the gospel. Pray for your husband to know that truth about Christ and for it to permeate his anxious thoughts. Changed circumstances don’t always bring peace. But Jesus does.
Pray for Endurance.
One of Paul’s charges to young pastor Timothy is to “endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry” (2 Tim. 4:5). Paul wasn’t writing from a place of privilege when he made those exhortations to Timothy. He had endured so much suffering and bodily harm, sleepless nights, shipwrecks, hunger, betrayal. He knew what he was asking of Timothy and you can see it in the next verse: “For I am already being poured out as a drink offering” (4:6). His life was an offering to be poured out for Jesus, no matter the personal cost. And he wanted Timothy to run his race with endurance for Christ, through Christ, and in Christ. When you pray for your husband as he deals with accusations, criticisms, and slander, pray for him to endure faithfully as one whose life is an offering for Jesus. Ultimately, his ministry is for, through, to, and about Jesus Christ. He can endure much suffering because he follows a Suffering Savior who knows well what it is like to stand firm in the gravest of trials. Pray that your husband would keep his eyes on the future prize that awaits him—eternity with Jesus forever. That is what Paul encouraged Timothy to focus on as a means for endurance in suffering. “Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing (2 Tim. 4:8).
Pray for Love.
It is incredibly difficult to love the people who hurt you. But this is what Christ has done for us. We who were once aliens and hostile in mind have been brought near to the Father by Jesus’s death and resurrection (Col. 1:21-23). This is God’s love for us: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8). As under-shepherds, our husbands are to love the flocks entrusted to them. Love is patient, kind, and keeps no record of wrongs, according to Scripture (1 Cor. 13). This might seem a herculean task—loving those who have wronged you and continue to wrong you. But, you are never more like Jesus than when you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you. Pray for your husband to have genuine love for his flock, that he will see them with compassion and mercy. Pray for his love to be Christlike and steadfast and that the love of Christ will help him bear up with his people in patience. Pray for him to remember how much he has been loved and forgiven in Christ. We will never out-love and out-forgive our God!
Pray for Joy.
It’s impossible to have joy when church life is in shambles, right? Well, perhaps it feels impossible to have a happy-go-lucky kind of attitude when things are hard, but that’s not necessarily what joy is. Joy is anchored in the unchanging nature of our God. Joy is a person, not a set of changed circumstances. While we might smile or laugh more on the other side of a trial, we can still have joy in suffering because Jesus is the source of our joy. And He is so near when we are suffering! When Paul wrote about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens him, he wasn’t talking about being a good athlete or bench-pressing 400 pounds. He was talking about having joy always, in every kind of circumstance. Whether it’s plenty or want, feast or famine, physical suffering or not—he learned the secret of joy. It was Christ. It was living in His strength (Phil. 4). It is possible for your husband to have deep joy in Jesus in the midst of ministerial turmoil. Pray to that end. We can lose anything in this world in a moment, but no one can take Jesus from us. And if that’s true, then our joy can supercede our sorrows. It doesn’t mean we aren’t sad about what’s happening to us. There is room for grief in Scripture. But joy and grief aren’t mutually exclusive terms. Only in Christ can we hold both in our hands and persevere. Pray for your husband to have joy in Jesus that deepens in this time of strife.
Pray for Christ to be Glorified.
Ultimately, all we do in ministry is for Jesus. So as you pray for your husband to be built up in encouragement, pray for Christ to be glorified in your suffering. Even if you aren’t the target of the turmoil at church, it is yours by extension as you share the burden of ministry with your husband. Pray that in your weaknesses and hurts, God would be gloried, His grace would be known deeply in your life, and you both would walk in the strength of Christ. It’s when you are weak that He is strong (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
You might still feel helpless to lift your husband’s spirits when he’s down and hurting because of ministry, but you are not powerless. As a believer in Jesus, the Holy Spirit dwells in you. He makes your prayers better and right before the Father. You are doing battle the right way when you fight for your husband’s encouragement in prayer. Prayer is not just a last resort here. It is the best option. You can trust the Lord to work in your church, in your heart, and in your husband’s heart. He is faithful and He loves you.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway).