God Doesn’t Need Your Rash Response
By Glenna Marshall
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in ministry, you’ve probably had one of those moments when a church or staff member says or does something that hurts you. Maybe it’s harsh and unfounded criticism. Maybe it’s a thoughtless, rude comment or backhanded insult. Maybe a decision was made at church that will directly impact your ministry family in a negative way, but no one seems to care. Whatever the scenario, you know that feeling of surprise mingled with anger and hurt. What you want is vindication. But it is unlikely you’ll get it without making a scene, and if it requires a scene, it doesn’t feel much like true vindication. A quick, anger-infused response can make matters worse. It’s so tempting to speak rashly and respond immediately in a situation like this. But there is much wisdom in taking some time to wait, pray, and sleep on it. God doesn’t need our rash responses in order to vindicate or make things right. Often times, it is our humility He will use to sanctify us and the others involved, even if we don’t see the fruit of His work in this life.
When it comes to rash words, we reap what we sow. There have been many times in my life as a pastor’s wife when I’ve wished I could stuff a rash response back into my mouth. It’s an ongoing struggle, to be frank. But I can’t unsay what I’ve spoken in angst. When I react immediately in a tenuous situation, it never serves me well in the long run. In fact, a rash reaction tends to make a bad situation worse.
The book of Proverbs speaks much of guarding the tongue and using words wisely. The author never writes favorably about one who speaks before thinking. Consider a few exhortations from the book of wisdom:
“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin (Prov. 13:3).”
“The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult (Prov. 12:16).”
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18).”
“A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated (Prov. 14:17).”
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:1).”
Wisdom ignores an insult. Wisdom guards her words. Wisdom does not act in a quick-tempered manner. Wisdom responds to harsh words with soft, kind words. Wisdom can diffuse a situation by using her words wisely. We rarely default to that, though. That feeling of indignation rushes to the surface, and before we know it, our true (and probably sinful) feelings are made known in an unkind way. We do not have to respond to harsh words with harsh words. And truthfully, a rash response to criticism, insults, or poor judgment can actually make our ministry life harder. So what do we do when we’re faced with careless words that cut deeply? How do we function with wisdom when we want to make a scene and set the record straight?
Wait.
Pray.
Remember Christ.
Sleep.
These are simple actions. But they can help you exercise wisdom in responding to hurtful words.
Wait.
Often times we will need to respond to someone who has hurt us with their words or deeds. It’s not prudent to always let things go; sin in the church must be addressed. But it’s the quick, anger-infused response that hurts us in the long run. When someone approaches you with something hurtful (or if you hear about it later), take a few days to think before responding. Chances are you’ll have some internal conversations, but with time your head will clear and you’ll be able to see through the haze of hurt and speak with gentle truth rather than heated indignation.
Pray.
As you wait, ask the Lord to reveal any truth in what was said or done, and ask Him to help you ignore what is best left alone. Ask for wisdom to address what needs to be addressed calmly and kindly. Pray for the one who has hurt you. You will never regret laboring in prayer for a church member who was unkind to you. God does much good work in your intercession—both for the other person and in your own heart. Prayer will protect you from bitterness.
Remember Christ.
You are never more like Jesus than when you are reviled and hurt without cause. He knew better than we ever will what it is to be betrayed, accused, insulted, and persecuted while innocent. And unlike us, He truly was completely innocent! But He endured the cross, despising the shame—for our sake. If we have believed in Him for salvation, He has given us the ability to be wise and live holy lives. We can speak and live with restraint when provoked because He has made us righteous. His Spirit lives in us, helping us to say “no” to rash words. Remember Jesus as you sift through the words and actions of your situation.
Sleep.
Rest! Sometimes our brains need a break from rehashing a situation. Giving yourself time to rest during a conflict will help protect you from reacting rashly. The phrase “sleep on it” isn’t bad advice. Things often look differently in the morning after we’ve slept and processed. We are not machines. We need time to think, pray, and process. We need rest.
Guarding your lips illustrates your trust in God. When you turn away wrath with a soft answer rather than a heated one, you show others that the Lord can be trusted to rule without your temper getting involved. He doesn’t need our anger to sovereignly work for our good. His work is not glorified, highlighted, or polished by our quick-tempered responses. He isn’t served by words spoken foolishly or thoughtlessly. He can work in spite of our defensive and rash words, but we will find peace in conflicts when we let Him do the work of vindication. Our holy God can handle our conflicts. We can trust Him to work good even from difficult situations within our churches, and your trust shines brightly when we guard our lips and leave it to Him. He delights in humble hearts. Embrace the humility of a soft answer and let Him do what He does best.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway).