By Glenna Marshall
There isn’t a script for when you answer the phone and hear that a loved one has suddenly passed away, that a wayward child has disappeared, that a marriage is on the rocks. Nevertheless, your church members will call you when life has gone off the rails because you (and/or your husband) represent wisdom and help as a member of the pastor’s family. While you may not feel up to the challenge, it’s a good thing for your church members to reach out to you!
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If you’re struggling with resentment because of the demands ministry makes of your marriage, confess those feelings and areas of sin to the Lord. Seek to keep your heart soft before Him by trusting Him with the calling He has placed on your lives as a married couple in ministry. This isn’t easy, but leaning towards the Lord and the things He loves will always be the right answer.*
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I used my journal to chronicle what was happening in real time, and then I did the only thing I felt I had any power to do—I prayed for my husband.
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When it comes to rash words, we reap what we sow. There have been many times in my life as a pastor’s wife when I’ve wished I could stuff a rash response back into my mouth. It’s an ongoing struggle, to be frank. But I can’t unsay what I’ve spoken in angst. When I react immediately in a tenuous situation, it never serves me well in the long run. In fact, a rash reaction tends to make a bad situation worse.
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Whether you’re looking forward to what’s next in ministry, treading the same water continuously, or fighting fear of upcoming changes, your source of security isn’t your ministry. It’s Jesus.
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Maybe your weakness isn’t a physical thorn. Maybe it’s mental. Or maybe it’s your backstory, your pre-conversion tale. Maybe it’s the sin that once held you in a suffocating vise. Maybe you speak of it as often as possible so it loses its power every time you back it up against the power of the gospel. Or maybe, like me, your thorn crops up when you need it the least and you wonder how in the world you will accomplish the good work God has set before you. This is the place, friend. This is where He delights in displaying His power–right in the middle of your weakest weakness. He will not share His glory with another, but He will gladly display it in you.
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Just like setting New Year’s resolutions can help us make goals to focus on and work towards in the coming months, pausing to reflect on the last year can help us evaluate what God has taught us, how He has blessed us, and where He might be leading us to focus. In other words, looking back can aid us as we look forward.
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Ministry life is guaranteed to be hard. This calling will rarely be an easy one. That’s not to say it is without joy—it absolutely brings joy that is rooted in our hope of eternity with Christ. But, we shouldn’t be surprised when suffering comes to us through the doors of the church where we serve.
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After nearly two decades of walking with church members through the most memorable moments of their lives, I’ve come to believe that it is an honor to be a burden-bearer. Even when ministry has been tense because of criticism or misunderstandings, we can put those things aside in a moment of crisis and just be present with our people. Presence is what they need from us.
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God is sovereign over our lives. He has ordained all of our days, our ministries, the churches where we’ll serve, and the people who fill the pews each week. He sees the isolation that ministry families often feel. He knows about every stinging comment you’ve received, and He’s aware of the way your heart hurts. He knows that on some Sundays, church doesn’t feel like a very safe place for you. And He is with you when you walk in and offer a smile and a hug though everything in you wanted to stay home.
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Because the Spirit lives in me (and you), we can love the church! Not perfectly, and not all the time. Sin is still a present reality in this life. But, with time and growth and the faithful, sanctifying work of Christ, the love that Paul writes about will grow in our hearts as the Spirit keeps His word to make us more like Jesus.
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If you are struggling through a difficult season of ministry, I encourage you to spend some time in the middle of your Bible. Read the psalms, memorize them, study them, sing them, pray them, journal them. And follow the path that the psalmists do: lament your troubles before the Lord—but then remember His past faithfulness to you. Make a list if you must! He was faithful to you in the past, and He will continue to be faithful to you no matter what. While He may not end your trial when you want Him to, He will be with you through it. He sees. He knows.
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It’s easy to let your church ministry dominate every conversation, be the point of every prayer, or be the source of every joy or discouragement. If you’re new to ministry life, it might even seem right. But your ministry is only as healthy as your marriage.
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What is it about writing and receiving a letter that bears more weight than a text or email? Why take the time to pen words and mail them when we can simply call or tap out a few words that are instantaneously read? And how can something as seemingly simple as mailing a short note in the mail help us love our congregations better?
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When we are perplexed about those who come against our ministry without merit, we can know that God will not hear the lie against us. Rather, He listens attentively to our prayer against the lie! When your ministry is denigrated, criticized unduly, slandered, or unfairly judged, let your vindication come from the Lord who sees, knows, and understands. If people are lying about you, the Lord will not hear it because He knows what is true. But be certain that He hears your prayers to Him for help. One day, He will right every wrong.
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Ministry isn’t a race. It’s not a sprint through a few tough Sundays and a fast-approaching finish line where we bask in the glow of our successes. No, ministry is life of slow plodding in quiet faithfulness, trusting Jesus for every step. Ministry involves dying to your dreams, standing firm through trials, and entrusting every endeavor to Christ.
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Though that awkward dinner took place more than a decade ago, I’ve never forgotten the wisdom my friend spoke to me over lunch the next day. I’ve had many occasions to apply her advice in my relationships within the Church. When we are given candid (and sometimes hurtful) criticism from another believer, there are few things we need to do on these occasions.
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If you’re feeling discouraged today over what is likely a season of low attendance and involvement, stay the course. Resolve to regularly thank the Lord for your church, to pray and reach out to them, and to remember that whatever you do in life and ministry, you do for the glory of God, not man. You are never more like Jesus than when you persevere with faithfulness through the trials and sufferings of this life. He has promised to aid you in that faithfulness, and He will help you stay the course.
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Music has a powerful way of touching our emotions and articulating things we don’t quite know how to say. Just this morning, I was listening to some praise music while running through my neighborhood. The words of one particular song were simple and true and set to a catchy melody. I found myself singing along while huffing and puffing down the street–words about God’s faithfulness that I needed back when I wondered if we’d survive the church trauma and mass exodus. I appreciate the way simple truths of Scripture can be called to mind in song so that we can praise, pray, and cry out to the Lord.
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Safe in-person friendships in ministry are gifts to celebrate, even if they only last for a season. These bursts of friendships are often gifts of God’s grace to us during times of extreme suffering and isolation. Regardless of the length of the season, safe friendships are expressions of the Lord’s care for us. When we view friendships as gifts from God rather than rights to be claimed, we can cherish them deeply while holding them loosely.
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