Handling Difficult News in Ministry
Glenna Marshall
If you’re a ministry wife, you’ve probably gotten a call from a church member who is going through a severe trial. It can be jarring to answer the phone late at night or in the early morning hours to hear difficult news of loss or grief. There isn’t a script for when you answer the phone and hear that a loved one has suddenly passed away, that a wayward child has disappeared, that a marriage is on the rocks. Nevertheless, your church members will call you when life has gone off the rails because you (and/or your husband) represent wisdom and help as a member of the pastor’s family. While you may not feel up to the challenge, it’s a good thing for your church members to reach out to you! They are inviting you into their trial to help them navigate it. This is a precious place of trust that we in ministry want to treat with care.
So what do you do when the phone rings with sudden, difficult news?
Here are some practical things to guide you:
Listen closely and ask questions they can answer.
This isn’t so that you can gather information but so that they can verbalize something solid when everything feels uncertain. You may know the answers but ask anyway so they can be comforted in relaying something familiar. “Were you able to be with them when they died?” “How did your last conversation go?” “Can you walk me through what happened?” As I’ve spoken with many grieving church members, I’ve learned that it comforts them to talk through a timeline because it’s information they know.
Don’t try to fix it.
You can’t raise someone from the dead, reverse a cancer diagnosis, bring home a prodigal child, or mend a marriage. This isn’t the time for advice. It is the time to bear up with them in their suffering. Acknowledge that this is hard and worth grieving over. “I’m so sorry this has happened. This is such a hard, hard thing.” It isn’t wrong to call suffering what it is: suffering. We tend to rush towards “fix it” mode, but there are so many things only God can fix.
Offer to be with them if the situation allows for it.
“Can I come over right now or later today or sometime this week to pray with you?” Oftentimes, your pastor-husband will be the one who needs to go visit someone at home or in the hospital, but it might need to be you—or both of you—if you are close in relationship with the sufferer. You’re not visiting to fix things you cannot fix. You’re offering presence, and while that may lead to counsel later, for now, it’s just presence. If you feel inclined, take a meal or snack to leave at their house when you visit. Don’t underestimate the comfort of simply being in the room with someone who is grieving. (Job’s friends had it right those first seven days!)
Pray before ending the call.
This might feel awkward for you, but you will not regret praying with someone who has called you with bad news. It can be helpful for the person to have a moment to catch their breath, so ask, “Can I pray for you right now?” And then pray! Pray specifically, pray the gospel, pray the hope of the resurrection, pray the comfort of the Spirit. Assure them of God’s love for them and His nearness to those who are suffering (see Ps. 34:18).
We often feel unprepared for all that ministry life entails, and it’s okay if you feel out of your depth. But you have what you need to be a comfort to those who are hurting because you are part of the body of Christ. The Holy Spirit lives in you. You can pray. You can listen. You can sit. And later, when your presence and comfort have been received, you may have earned a place to speak truth into a difficult circumstance.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R), Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway), and (Forthcoming) Memorizing Scripture: Basics, Blessings, and Benefits of Meditating on God’s Word (Moody Publishers).