Embracing Seasonal In-Person Friendships in Ministry
Glenna Marshall
Have you ever finally found a safe friend in ministry only to lose them later? It may not be that the friendship is actually lost—changed, perhaps, is a better term. Maybe you’ve been enjoying a sweet in-person friendship that has ministered to you as a pastors’ wife only to have your friend move away, changing the friendship to one kept up via text or calls. Or perhaps your husband is called to another church and you’re the one moving away from the daily, living-life-together relationship. I’ve received an email from a pastor’s wife once who was betrayed by her closest friend in the church. The friend walked away from the church and the relationship, and the pastor’s wife grieved the loss and the subsequent loneliness. Sometimes safe in-person friendships become unsafe and lost to us, and sometimes they just change with the normal ebb and flow of life circumstances.
Whatever the nature of your safe friendship and the way it has changed, you know what a gift it is to have a safe friend to talk to who understands the delicate nature of ministry life. We might not feel the isolation that comes with ministry life so deeply if we have a safe friend to talk to. When those friendships change or end (for whatever reason), we might fear the change or loss of another future safe friendship, or we might fear we’ll never find one again at all. It can feel like safe friendships in ministry are seasonal, and sometimes, they are.
I’ve had several of these kinds of friendships as a pastor’s wife. I’ve gulped up their safe camaraderie like water in the desert, and I’ve mourned their changes or endings. While my husband and I have stayed put in ministry for nearly two decades, many of my safe friendships have changed forms because the friends moved away. I had a fellow pastor’s wife I just to jog and attend Pilates with. I had another ministry wife friend who I could always meet up for coffee and encouraging, trustworthy conversation. I had another deep friendship that was anchored in mutual discipleship. There are more, and most of them changed when my friends moved away. Tools like texting, and apps like Voxer and Marco Polo can help sustain friendships that become challenged by distance—what a gift to be able to stay in touch easily these days! But, I will always crave deep, safe, in-person friendships like, I imagine, most women do. When I have them, I hold on to them with all my might! I treasured those friendships where I am not “the pastor’s wife.” I am just me. I always feel safe in those relationships.
Safe in-person friendships in ministry are gifts to celebrate, even if they only last for a season. These bursts of friendships are often gifts of God’s grace to us during times of extreme suffering and isolation. Regardless of the length of the season, safe friendships are expressions of the Lord’s care for us.
When we view friendships as gifts from God rather than rights to be claimed, we can cherish them deeply while holding them loosely.
True, open, deep, say-anything friendship for ministry families is tough to find. Sometimes you’ll have in-person relationships like this, and sometimes you won’t. If you currently have that safe friendship, praise God for it and cherish the relationship for the sweet gift that it is. If you don’t, start praying now for a safe in-person friend. And begin looking around at who God might be putting in your path for mutual encouragement.
During our darkest days of church ministry, I often pleaded with God for someone to talk to. I was desperately lonely, and the pages of my journal were often stained with tears as I tried to process the persistent upheaval in our ministry. At the time, my husband and I felt we only had each other, and we were both so beaten down. We both needed additional companionship to help us see things rightly and to be encouraged to hold fast in ministry. I told the Lord often, “I am so lonely. Please send me a friend.” Sometimes, He did. For a time. And I was encouraged, challenged, and prayed for. I learned to ask God for an in-person friend when I didn’t have one and to begin looking around me for who He might need me to encourage and pray for as well. Sometimes those friendships were found in my own church pews, and sometimes they weren’t. Sometimes the safest friendships were the ones kept up by texts, calls, and emails. Sometimes they were friends who moved to my town for a few years. Every relationship the Lord has supplied over the years have been a balm for my heart. He knows that ministry is hard. He hears our prayers for help and encouragement. And He answers when and how we need it most.
If you’re struggling with loneliness in ministry today, may I encourage you to tell the Lord? That might seem like an obvious suggestion, but often we mourn our circumstances and lament our sorrows without casting our cares and anxieties on our Lord who beckons us to do so (see 1 Peter 5:7). He is the most faithful of friends and knows just how difficult and lonely your life is right now. Ask Him for a safe friend, even if only for a season. Rejoice when He answers your prayer with a friend and keep turning to Him if He asks you to wait. He will never leave or forsake you. Wherever you find yourself now—whether that’s a life full of meaningful friendships or one that is deeply lonely—hold on to the Lord’s faithful presence in your life. He has called you to something good and sacred and full of eternal rewards, but He has also called you to something that is hard and often isolating. He will never abandon you as you labor to love and serve His church. His friendship isn’t seasonal but will last forever.
Editors Note:
If you’re struggling with loneliness and find it harder than usual to function in ministry life these days, please know that we offer free mentor and support services as well as affordable counseling for just $35 per session. Please reach out to us today by emailing Kellye at KCARMACKPS@GMAIL.COM.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway, June 2020).