The Pandemic and Pastors’ Wives
By Kelly Carmack
It’s been almost a year since COVID-19 came to the US and turned our lives inside out. I remember the day in early March when everything started shutting down and we all went home. And stayed home. It seemed surreal then, and it still does now. This pandemic has been like a never-ending tornado, disturbing or destroying everything it touches. We all know the church has been hit in different ways. Congregations have lost beloved members to COVID and have seen others become seriously ill. As services and meetings have decreased, church members feel disconnected and frustrated.
Our pastors and church leaders have been hit hard. Their stress has increased as they’ve had to learn how to care for a church they can’t see and discern what is best and safest for their congregations. They are working longer hours, making and remaking multiple decisions and caring for families who are grieving significant losses—all without formal training on pastoring through an international crisis and often under the scrutiny of a divided church.
And someone else has been particularly wounded through this crisis: the pastor’s wife.
The pastor’s wife feels the tension of a stressful season of ministry in a unique way. Every wife is impacted by her husband’s work stress, but the life of a pastor’s wife is woven with her husband’s stress because it involves her own church and the people she loves. She has to go to Sunday school and sit across from the person who attacked her husband in the last members’ meeting. In prayer meeting, she may sit quietly, wondering if it’s safe to share her heart with people who have criticized her husband. Her relationships and church life are strained by the church’s opinion of her husband and his job performance.
When the church is hard on their pastor, the pastor’s wife suffers. She can feel the blows of criticism that are aimed at her husband. It can leave her feeling betrayed and lonely. She might feel like she is without a church to call her own. I’ve talked to several women who are currently in this difficult season. The pandemic, or perhaps it’s better to say, her church’s response to the pandemic, has made ministry a hard and hurtful reality. While we may see signs of things getting better, we don’t know when this pandemic and all its repercussions will end.
How can a hurting pastor’s wife persevere through this difficult season? How does she continue serving and loving her church and not tire of doing good? After talking to several weary pastors’ wives, I want to offer a few practical suggestions that can help you persevere through this and any other hard season of ministry. This is not an exhaustive list. Rather, it’s a few things that I think we often neglect. I pray that incorporating these ideas into your regular rhythm of life will help ease the burden and bring needed refreshment.
Consistent Rest
It may be a while before you can take a real vacation. Whether it’s because of financial strain, travel restrictions, or limited vacation spots, that week away from everything may be months down the road. Take time every week, or if you can, every day, and get some rest. That might mean that you find a corner of your home and ten minutes in your day to pause and be still. Maybe you need an afternoon nap or an earlier bedtime. Find what is restful for you and give your body and mind a break.
Honest Prayer
Psalm 62:8 invites us to be open and honest in our prayers. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Tell God everything that is happening at church. Tell Him every detail and tell Him how it makes you feel. The Holy Spirit is a good and trustworthy counselor (see John 14:26) He will listen and guide your mind to comforting truth.
Regular Fun
What is something that is life-giving for you? What makes you laugh until your sides hurt? Maybe it’s a great movie or a silly game with your family. Maybe it’s blasting music and having a dance off with your spouse. Choose an activity that you love and enjoy it often.
While none of these things will necessarily fix the suffering and strain you are enduring as a pastors’ wife a year into a global pandemic, they might give space to ease some tension and provide margin for relief.
Kellye is the Women’s Ministry Director for Practical Shepherding Women’s Ministry. She has an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies and a master’s degree in Biblical Counseling. She served as a missionary in Western Europe for two years helping to share the hope of Christ with women in difficult situations. While in seminary, she met her husband Craig who is an associate pastor at their church in Louisville, KY. She loves helping women discover the unique ways God has gifted them to serve the church.