Friendship Within the Church
By Cara Croft
What does friendship look like when you are a pastor’s wife? The reality that many of us have faced has been a loneliness in ministry. Who can we talk to about situations going on in the church? Can I have close friends with people in my congregation? What does it mean to have a safe friend? How do I get close to church members when I know they will be moving on in a few years? These are some of the questions you are all asking, and there are many more. So, we are going to start trying to tackle a topic that is difficult simply because it is a topic that is broad and situation dependent.
Today I want to address just one of the questions you are asking, “Can I have close friendship with members of my congregation?” The short answer, yes and no. (I know, that is not a very helpful answer). What I want this blog post to accomplish is for me to throw some ideas out there that might cause you to think more deeply on the subject. Maybe it will cause you to think about risks you can take and when you can be okay with not being vulnerable with your congregation.
Think with me about how friendship within the church is possible. I think we must first admit that there are most likely some safe people within our congregations. A person who is safe is one who listens well, expresses interest in knowing the other person, and is reciprocal in the relationship. A safe friend is ultimately defined by what it means to be loving. To desire good for the other and to desire union with the other, a concept discussed by Eleonore Stump in her book Wandering in Darkness. We want to know others but we also deeply long to be known. However, in order to be known we must take the risk to share. Friendship deepens as trust is built by sharing more and more of who we are.
Another reason to develop friendships within the church is because it helps to promote community. Whether we like it or not, we do sometimes set an example for the church to follow. We encourage community when the church watches us invest in others and grow in relationship to others. We can encourage members to do the same with each other. I think I can safely say we all desire our church to grow in being a safe community but that does not come without intentional work.
So, what are some of the limitations with friendships within the church? I think we need to start with the fact that there are some topics we cannot talk about with church members. We risk causing division in our churches if we are discussing other members or complaining about decisions being made (among other things that we need to talk about regarding the church). These conversations are best had with a safe friend who is outside the situation. The other part of this is that we often need people on the outside to help bring some prospective as to what it is we need to share.
Another limitation is that in taking the risk to develop friendships we are opening ourselves up to be hurt. Some church members may use our vulnerability as a tool against us. This is part of the risk of sharing, and it’s why we need to use wisdom in what we choose to share. When we take the risk to share, we are taking the risk to discover if a person can be trusted with more—or, if they cannot. Some members will use the time with us as a means to receive some free counsel without giving us the opportunity to share our own hearts or burdens. Some of members will desire us to be disciples more than friends. That is the nature of relationships having different roles and functions. This does not mean these are bad, but they bring a limitation to what needs we have that will not get met.
As I wrap up, I hope this has been helpful to promote thinking about what it might look like to develop friendships. We have members who will leave our church and we have members who will hurt us, but this does not have to prevent us from having relationships within our congregations. I have struggled with the same loneliness with which many of you struggle. My prayer is that we can be open to how this may be more gray than it is black and white, and that God will bring relationships to help support us as we toil in the work of ministry.
Cara Croft is wife to Brian, mother to 4 adult/teenage children, and currently finishing her Master's degree in Christian Counseling. She enjoys counseling, reading, and growing in learning to care for the suffering. Cara is also the Director of Counseling Ministry at Practical Shepherding.