When You’re Married to Your Pastor
By Glenna Marshall
My husband was in seminary when we started dating. He graduated two years after we got married, after which he took a position as a full-time pastor in another state. I was twenty-four years old when I became a senior pastor’s wife, and the only formal education I had under my belt was a bachelor’s degree in English, which was pretty useless when it came to knowing how to undergird my husband’s ministry and encourage an entire flock of strangers. Were those even my responsibilities? I had no idea.
“A woman marries a man, not his ministry, but somehow her husband’s calling seeps into every aspect of their one-flesh relationship.”[1] —Jani Ortlund
Jani Ortlund’s new book, Help! I’m Married to My Pastor, is the book I wish I’d had fifteen years ago when I stepped into the role of pastor’s wife. My husband was happily serving in ministry in a supportive role when we married; I had no idea we’d venture out on our own someday or that our marriage grow up in pastoral ministry. I couldn’t imagine the dark days God would carry us through as we endured slander, betrayal, and the loss of friends. “Unprepared” doesn’t even begin to describe myself at twenty-four as I struggled to remember names, took every criticism as fighting words, and missed the days when my husband belonged to me alone. After the first five years, I resented what ministry had done to my husband and me. Now, sixteen years in, I have learned the hard way that what God has called us to is very, very hard, but it is also very, very good.
Help! I’m Married to My Pastor is the book every new pastor’s wife should read as well as the ones who, like me, have hobbled along trying to overcome failures and resentments in ministry. Neatly laid out in chapters that address some common struggles of ministry wives, Help! tackles all the corners of life that are impacted by the stresses of ministry: marriage, parenting, criticism, uncertainties, ministry failures, and being misunderstood. Jani comes alongside you as an older sister who acknowledges that ministry is uniquely hard while giving you both practical advice from her decades of experience and biblical wisdom from a lifetime of loving Christ.
If you’ve ever wondered how in the world you landed this gig (you had no intention of being a pastor’s wife when you married this guy) or how your children will ever survive being PK’s, this book is for you. If you can’t remember church members’ names or grieve over the ones who leave your church when you’ve given your heart to them, this book is for you. If Sunday mornings are the hardest days of your week (be honest—they are), if you don’t know how to comfort your husband when he’s discouraged, if you feel your marriage is struggling because of ministry, if you can’t remember why your husband’s calling even matters—this book is for you.
One of the unique features of this book are the letters from the author to the pastor at the end of each chapter. The idea is for the wife to hand off the book to her husband when she finishes a chapter so he can ask her some questions about how she’s doing and really hear from her in their current place in ministry and marriage. Sometimes we know there are issues that need to be unpicked and examined, but we don’t know what questions to ask. Sometimes a pastor’s wife needs her husband to talk to her as her husband and not her pastor. These short letters can serve as a springboard for some needed conversations.
I think what I loved most about Jani’s book is that I felt both seen and exhorted as I read it. It takes a deft hand to make a reader feel as though her hurts and sufferings are validated while not urging her to wallow in her struggles. Yes, marriage to a minister is hard, but it is also good. It’s a sacred thing to walk closely with an undershepherd as he loves and leads the flock he will one day give an account for. Marriage in and of itself is a challenging and sanctifying thing, but when every part of your marriage is touched by ministry, it can be even more difficult to traverse. Especially when you know everyone is watching you.
It’s easy to let ministry be a source of constant misery. If your experience has been nothing but hard, you might feel as though you’ll never find joy serving the Lord in the local church. Why are we stuck doing something so hard, especially if ministry came after marriage? What if we feel like we’re not cut out for this? What can God do with our failures or weaknesses in ministry? Here’s Jani’s advice:
“If you are weak, if you are sad, if you are discouraged, what of it? God gives himself all the more to those who need him. Your discouragement is not a problem to him. He doesn’t scoff at your need. Your weakness is one of his strategies to draw you into ever deeper and more significant communion with him—the only one who can truly understand and satisfy your longings.”[2]
We often view marriage or parenting as especially sanctifying callings, but we might fail to view ministry as such. Perhaps we never considered it would be so refining. I sure didn’t! I’ve learned, though, that ministry can be one of the deepest means of sanctification in my life wherein God teaches me to love sacrificially, pray unceasingly, and live open-handedly. After nearly two decades married to my pastor, it’s difficult for me to separate our ministry from our marriage. No matter which one I start with, the one affects and influences the another. And yet, I know that we wouldn’t want it any other way. We are honored to be leading and loving the beloved bride of Christ. Yes, this is a difficult calling, but it is also good and holy and brimming with eternal rewards.
[1] Jani Ortlund, Help! I’m Married to My Pastor (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2021) 15.
[2] Ibid., 102-103.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway, June 2020).