The Pastor’s Wife and Sexual Sin
By Kellye Carmack
I heard it again for probably the hundredth time. While scrolling through social media I noticed a video of a pastor talking about sexual sin. The title intrigued me, so I clicked the play button and heard the same thing I always hear from pastors on this subject. “Men,” he said, “you need to fight for sexual purity. Men, when you look at pornography, you are destroying your soul. Men, are you struggling with masturbation? Find a brother and fight the battle together.” As I listened to the pastor address the men over and over again, I thought about the women in his congregation. The woman who just had an affair, the woman who looks at pornography when her husband goes to work, the woman who fantasizes about sexual encounters. How is she receiving her pastor’s message? When he talks about sexual sin as a “man’s problem,” how does that impact her and her battle against sin?
Women are, by God’s good design, sexual beings. Just like men, we were created with a desire for sex, and, just like men, we can be tempted to find sexual pleasure in sinful ways. Just look at the popularity of erotica and books like Fifty Shades of Grey, which was a top-selling book of the last decade, with the majority of readers being women. It’s not just non-Christian women devouring these stories or staring at images on the internet. I’ve listened to many Christian women share their ongoing battle with issues such as lust, prolonged masturbation, and fantasizing about sex with multiple partners. The women in our churches are not immune to sexual sin. We are not immune to sexual sin. There are ministry wives, missionaries, married women and singles—women of all kinds sitting in our sanctuaries, struggling with a variety of sins that are sexual in nature. Many are afraid to step out and ask for help. Women are scared to confess sexual sin because they feel two levels of shame: one for being a Christian who sins sexually and another for being a woman who sins sexually. There are so many women in our churches who spend years crumbling in the dark shadows of sexual sin, and we need to lovingly invite them to bring it all into the light.
Pastors’ wives and women in ministry, we have a unique opportunity to care for these women. It might be easier for them to come to you than it would be for them to talk to a male pastor. Are we ready for those conversations? Are we talking about sexual sin in a way that discourages women from sharing or do we talk about it in a way that encourages vulnerability? If we want to help our sisters in Christ, then we need to create a culture that welcomes all that they have to bring and be ready to respond with truth and grace.
Pastors and Elders, the women in your church need you to shift the conversation about sexual sin. When you talk about lust and pornography don’t only address the men. When you leave women out of the conversation about sexual sin it pushes them further away from confessing and repenting. It makes them afraid of how you will respond if they come to you with their sin. It makes them afraid of how God will respond. I can’t emphasize this enough: there are women in your church who need help fighting sexual sin, but they will never ask for help if you only refer to it as a man’s problem.
Finally, perhaps you are a woman who is caught in a revolving cycle of sexual sin. You fear how people would respond to you—a woman, a pastor’s wife even—who has sinned sexually. Know that you are not alone, and you are not without hope. Jesus had conversations with women who were not too different from you (see John 4 and John 8). Read the stories of His encounters with these two women. Jesus wasn’t shocked or repulsed by women who sinned sexually. Instead of condemnation, He responded with grace, compassion, and truth.
Sister, Jesus is not repulsed or shocked when He looks at you. Take your sin to Him and let him cover you with His blood and lead you into freedom.
*If you are a pastor’s wife or woman in ministry and need to talk about a sin struggle please contact us. We are available and want to help. You can contact us at kcarmackps@gmail.com.
Kellye is the Women’s Ministry Director for Practical Shepherding Women’s Ministry. She has an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies and a master’s degree in Biblical Counseling. She served as a missionary in Western Europe for two years helping to share the hope of Christ with women in difficult situations. While in seminary, she met her husband Craig who is an associate pastor at their church in Louisville, KY. She loves helping women discover the unique ways God has gifted them to serve the church.