Messed Up Motherhood
By Cara Croft
I took a survey in my house. I asked my teens the following question:
“What is one thing teenagers want from their parents, or wish their parents knew?”
The responses were golden. “Privacy and more freedom”, “time with friends more than just parents”, “we go through depression and anxiety and things that you go through too”, “our thoughts and feelings are as valid a yours”, “let us make decisions even if you might disagree”, “be open to us needing therapy”, “to remember what it was like to be a teenager and mentally put yourself in our shoes”, “don’t force us to tell you something we are not ready to tell you”.
What do you hear as you read these thoughts from teenagers ranging in age from 13-19? I hear “listen to us, respect us, and validate our opinions”. Teenagers want space but not so much space that they feel abandoned. Enough space to spread their wings but still have a safety net, and yet that space has to grow as they grow in age.
I respected my teenager’s honesty and I know some of what they share come out of what they are wanting from me specifically. But mom’s, this is hard. It is hard to remember that sometimes our teens moodiness is because they are dealing with their own stress and pressure and our pressure is making it worse, even if our intentions are to be helpful. It is hard to remember that their anger towards us has a legitimate reason. It is hard to remember that they are not 2 years old and we need to treat them like the teenager that they are. It is hard to remember that our job as parents is to help them fly out of the nest, even if that flight looks more like crashing to the ground than soaring in the clouds.
There is a reason this blog post is entitled “Messy Motherhood”. The teenage years are messy. They are messy physically and emotionally. Teenagers want to have their own style, their own friends, and their own opinions. It is a time where they are gravitating towards friends and away from us. It is a time when they are trying to figure out who they are and what they believe apart from us. It is a time filled with fear, anxiety, and turmoil for all of us. This is why it is messy.
One of the messiest parts about teenagers is how much of our own past they bring out. We see them making decisions and remember making the same (or worse) decision and knowing it did not turn out well for us. Yet our teenagers want the same opportunity to make the same decisions because they are not us. Teenagers bring out all of our fears and insecurities as parents. They destroy our illusion of control in which we lived when they were younger. The hopes and dreams we had for them they take and rewrite into a version that better suits who they are. We try to fix our own mistakes by keeping our teens from making their own. In the process we wound them and they distance themselves from us. These years are full of rejoicing and full of grieving.
Yet this messiness is not without hope. It is not all hard nor is it all bad. We have the privilege of watching our children turn into adults. We have the honor of being there for their successes and holding them in their losses. We get to watch them become their own unique, beautiful self that was maybe nothing like we imagined. If we let them, if we can put aside our own fears long enough to listen, our teenagers will teach us how to love them better.
I do want to acknowledge that part of the fear is knowing they are old enough to make decisions and we have NO idea how those decisions are going to turn out. The fear of the unknown future is real and we have all heard stories that legitimize those fears. Like many of my blog posts, I don’t really have any answers. My desire is to walk along side you and encourage you that I am walking in the middle of it too and I have no idea how this is going to turn out. But that is also ok.
So as I close, a few last thoughts. I love the book “How Children Raise Their Parents” by Dan Allender. I wish I had read it years earlier, but it is never too late to read. Also, how our children turn out is not a complete reflection of our parenting. I have known great parents whose children go down dark paths and poor parents whose children make good choices. We are implicated but not responsible. Finally, listen. When your teenagers talk listen. Learn what they love and why they love it. Listen as they talk about their friends. And when they complain the rules are too harsh or we are being unreasonable, listen. They just might be right.
Cara Croft is wife to Brian, mother to 4 adult/teenage children, and currently finishing her Master's degree in Christian Counseling. She enjoys counseling, reading, and growing in learning to care for the suffering. Cara is also the Director of Counseling Ministry at Practical Shepherding.