Parenting Those Typical Preacher's Kids
Glenna Marshall
Raising children in ministry is no easy thing. Parenting is challenging for anyone in the best of circumstances, but there’s an added pressure of shaping the character of a small human when an entire church is watching. Every mother knows what it's like to be given unsolicited advice on how she parents, but when your parenting decisions are seen, evaluated, and judged by an entire congregation, it can create an awkward setting for relationships within the church.
Have your children ever been called “typical preacher’s kids” by church members? Even used tongue-in-cheek, it seems there’s some sort of cliché at work here—a belief that the pastor’s children are usually more disobedient than their peers. I know clichés are clichés for a reason, but I think the reason this one exists isn’t because pastors’ kids are more rebellious or more poorly behaved than the other children in the church but rather that more people are watching their behavior than that of their peers.
Some church members expect the pastor’s children to be paragons of virtue and obedience to all the other children, unfairly setting them up for failure when they eventually throw a temper tantrum in the sanctuary or are selfish with a toy in the nursery or say something mean to another child in the foyer. The thing about the pastor’s kids is that they are exactly like all the other children in the church—they are children who need love, correction, and discipleship. They cannot, simply because their parents are in ministry, be held to a higher standard than their peers.
PARENTING YOUR PREACHER’S KID IN PUBLIC
I’ve known all of this since becoming a mother nearly sixteen years ago, and yet, I feel pressure to ensure my children behave a certain way, and I often feel judged by others if they don’t.
Several years ago, during an especially difficult season of parenting one of my sons, I mentioned the stress and anger I felt at church during a session with my counselor. He paused our conversation to spend some time on this topic. “Why do you feel so much pressure when your son misbehaves at church?” he asked me. “He’s five. He’s going to disobey or run wild at times. He’s learning what it means to sit still or speak to adults.”
I couldn’t really answer at first, but as I thought about it, I told him as truthfully as I could, “I’m the pastor’s wife. I feel like everyone is judging me. When he misbehaves, they think I’m a bad mother and a bad example to all the other moms.” I described a specific situation when my son “melted down,” as they say, in a crowd in the church foyer after an interaction with another child. I told my counselor how embarrassed I was, how everyone must have disapproved of both my son and me as a parent. I don’t want people to think I can’t handle this. I don’t want people to think my son is a bad kid.
My counselor stopped my train of thought. “How you parent you son at church has nothing to do with anyone but you and him. No one else matters. So, the next time you need to address behavior with him at church, I want you to visualize just him and you. No one else exists. How would you handle his behavior if no one else had witnessed it? One-on-one correction, that’s what he needs.”
I took his advice and began to apply it. It has been immensely helpful in the years since to remind me to block out what other people might be thinking. If I need to correct either of my children at church (or anywhere, really), I try to imagine it’s just us. Eye to eye, heart to heart. No one else exists, and neither do their opinions or judgments.
However, that wasn’t the end of my counselor’s advice to me. Gently, he helped me to see that I was presuming an unkind motive on behalf of my church family.
PRESUME KINDNESS
“Do you know that people are negatively commenting on or judging your parenting?” he asked me.
“Well…I guess not,” I replied.
I’ve certainly had people make suggestions about parenting to me, as most mothers have, but I don’t know for sure that anyone actually thinks I’m a poor mother or that my children are out of control. Upon reflection, I don’t think anyone truly thinks that. I said as much to my counselor.
“Don’t you think it’s unfair, then,” he continued, “that you’re presuming an evil motive of the people you worship with?” I was stunned. Not because he had hurt my feelings but because he was right. At the core of this was my pride. I had assumed that people thought the worst about me and my children. This wasn’t just unfair, it was also most likely untrue. And controlling your children isn’t necessarily the goal of parenting is it? Raising them to know and love Jesus, to be kind to others, to work hard and enjoy the blessings God has given us, to live for Him—those are the goals. And those things take time—an entire childhood and beyond—to teach and model.
If you’re a ministry wife feeling condemned or judged by your parenting decisions, can I gently encourage you as my counselor did to presume kindness of your church members? There may be times when someone rudely interferes, and you can kindly disagree with their assessment if necessary. But I would argue that most of your church isn’t against you and your children. Quite the contrary—they’re for you! They’re for your children! Look for the ways they have supported you and presume good will on their part. Even if someone overreaches, their motives were likely good ones. This shift in thinking has drastically helped me as I parent in the pew, so to speak. It’s improved my relationships at church and given me freedom to love and discipline my children as they need no matter who is watching.
IF YOU BELIEVE THE CLICHÉ
If you’re a church member reading this, leave the clichés about pastors’ kids at the door. Please help your pastor and his wife by letting their kids be kids. Don’t expect their children to act like saved and sanctified adults. Don’t hold them to a standard to which you wouldn’t hold your own children. Keep in mind that pastors and their wives have given their lives to church ministry, and their kids often miss out on things like yearly vacations and living near grandparents or aunts, uncles, and cousins. They may also live on a tight budget and not have the things other kids in their churches enjoy. This doesn’t mean they’re to be pitied; it just means their life might look different from their peers’, and as children, they don’t have a say about it. Ministry couples often adopt or foster children from hard places, which means their kids come with trauma or disadvantages that can make behavior more challenging, especially in large settings like a church service.
Show grace. Show mercy. Show kindness. Show silent support when the temptation is to verbally assess or interfere. Perhaps you could, like my church does, show a little extra love to the ministry kids in your church. Step in for Grandparent’s Day at school, send a little love on birthdays and at Christmas, and above all—pray for your pastor’s kids. Your pastor and his wife will be so grateful.
Author’s note:
I’d love to use this opportunity to publicly thank my church members Sue (now with the Lord) and Gary for being surrogate grandparents to my children, Dora for always letting my kids be who they are without recrimination, and Wendy and Marilyn who remember every birthday, holiday, and big event in my children’s lives and who drop by with ice cream on a regular basis. When church members love my children, I feel loved as well.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R), Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway), and (Forthcoming) Memorizing Scripture: Basics, Blessings, and Benefits of Meditating on God’s Word (Moody Publishers).