How Do I Respond to Critical People in My Church?
Dr. Bethel B. Webb
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with a member of your congregation who seems to criticize and complain about everything? How did you respond? Dealing with such individuals can be challenging as constant criticism is exhausting. While it may be tempting to ignore or dismiss them, this approach often proves effective only temporarily.
Whether you thrive in the midst of criticism or tend to avoid conflict, here are some steps you can take when faced with a critical person:
1. Pray immediately.
You can pray silently, knowing the Holy Spirit is right there with you. All you need is to remind yourself that He is within you, and you have everything you need.
2. Practice self-awareness.
Recognize that people react differently in situations like these. Some may become defensive as a protective mechanism, while others may deflect blame or shut down emotionally. The goal here is to adopt a compassionate stance. It is difficult for the person to continue operating with that protective mechanism when we are compassionate towards them. It’s important to be aware of your own tendencies and have a plan in place for how to respond.
3. Listen for understanding and exercise presence.
Regardless of your initial reaction, strive to listen actively and remain present in the conversation. If necessary, take a moment to step away and calm down before responding.
4. Discern what they are afraid of.
Critical people are afraid of something: change, the unknown, rejection, suffering. Listen closely for what scares them. Criticism often stems from underlying emotions such as sadness, grief, or fear. Try to identify what the individual is afraid of, as addressing these fears can be more effective than attempting to reason with them. Instead, people who are afraid need reassurance, guidance, and empathy.
5. Make them feel seen and heard.
Nothing exacerbates a fearful person more than making them feel misunderstood or unheard. Show that you understand their perspective by actively listening, using verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate your attentiveness. You can rephrase their statements into a question and ask them if you got it accurately. Show that you are listening by looking them in the eye, nodding your head, and providing verbal cues. Before responding, summarize the conversation and ask for clarifications.
6. Help them express their fears in an appropriate way.
Once you’ve identified their fears, help them bring awareness to these emotions and guide them towards finding constructive ways to address them. While it is easier to say, “I think you’re afraid of _________,” use a more creative way of presenting this truth to them. You can say, “Bob, I hear you. It seems to me like you are really distressed by ___________. How can I help you?” While it might be helpful to quote Scripture here, some people might recoil to this. Not because they do not love and respect God’s Word, but because they might feel like you are not hearing them.
7. Help them find a way to bring their fears to God and to the right person involved.
Jesus is the perfect example of a calming presence. He invites people who are afraid to trust that he got them. You can imitate Christ by modeling this demeanor to them. Help them to trust in God by teaching them how to talk to God about their fears. This is the perfect moment to quote God’s promises to them. Bring them to the Psalms or perhaps Lamentations. Maybe you could talk to God about your fears in front of them. In some instances, a different person needs to step in to help them overcome their fears. If it is not you, point them to the right person who could help them come up with a plan of action.
8. Speak into their fear, even if it means to rebuke.
Even after exercising steps mentioned above, some people may only respond to rebuke. If necessary, speak the truth in love, addressing any sinful behavior rooted in fear and guiding them towards repentance and freedom.
9. Set some boundaries with this person.
If despite your efforts, the individual continues to engage in harmful behavior, it may be necessary to set boundaries to protect yourself and others. This might mean not talking to them alone, or maybe not talking to them at all. Clearly communicate these boundaries to avoid confusion.
As a ministry leader, you are called to be both sacrificial and a peacemaker (see Heb. 12:14). This means you have the responsibility to be skilled at handling critical and complaining people. I pray these steps offer you wisdom and guidance in navigating relationships with critical individuals within your congregation.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
Toughest People to Love: How to Understand, Lead, and Love the Difficult People in Your Life—Including Yourself by Chuck DeGroat
How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for Honest and Meaningfu Communication by John Townsend and Henry Cloud
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
The Path of a Peacemaker: Your Biblical Guide to Healthy Relationships, Conflict Resolution, and a Life of Peace by P. Brian Noble
Bethel Webb was born in Manila and was raised in Laoag City, Philippines. She earned a BA in Social Sciences (2014) from the University of the Philippines-Baguio, an MA in Biblical Counseling (2018), and a Doctorate in Education (2021) from Southern Seminary. Bethel’s research interests are in Epistemology, Discipleship & Human Development, Christian education, Cross-cultural Education, and Biblical Counseling.
Growing up as a pastor’s kid exposed Bethel to the challenges of full-time ministry. She partners with Practical Shepherding through providing counseling to pastor’s wives.