Responding to Harsh Words in Ministry
By Glenna Marshall
I remember the day I sat in a coffee shop with a trusted friend and cried over my latte. While I shared how difficult the week had been ministry-wise, my phone kept buzzing with hurtful texts loaded with criticism from a church member about a decision we’d made as a family. It wasn’t a decision that had any bearing on our church members. It wasn’t immoral or unbiblical; it wasn’t even a big deal. I didn’t understand why I was being bombarded with criticisms. I was accused of being manipulative and secretive. Crushed, I silenced my phone while my friend held my hand and prayed over my tears.
Why So Much Criticism?
One of the things I was not prepared for when my husband became a pastor was the freedom some church members would feel to criticize my husband, me, our parenting, the way we spend our money and time, my involvement in ministry, and how we make decisions. I was—and sometimes still am—taken aback by how easily people make known their feelings about the way we live. While it would never be deemed appropriate for me to criticize a church member’s parenting methods or how they spend their time, it seems that some church members feel their pastor and his family should freely receive all criticism since the pastor is paid by the church. That can put ministry wives in a difficult position. We know we are free to educate our children the way we think is best, design our budgets the way we feel the Lord is leading us to, and involve ourselves in ministry in ways that allow our family to still be a family with healthy boundaries. But, we also know (or are quickly learning) that our church members might disagree with our decisions and that some will feel very free to let us know.
What do we do when we receive harsh words of criticism about our lives? How can we love our church members who hurt us with their words?
You’re Not Alone.
If you and I were having coffee together and I asked you to think of the church members who seem to have a regular word of criticism for you, I bet you’d have no trouble calling their faces to mind. We might forget encouragements, but we tend to not forget criticisms. I bet you could tell me nearly every harsh word spoken to you since you became a ministry wife. While your situation feels unique to you because nobody else you know is on the receiving end of harsh words and judgments as often as you are, your situation is not unique to those of us in ministry. We’ve all been there. We know what it feels like to greet someone at church with a smile only to be cornered by unwelcome criticism that stings and wipes the smile from your face immediately. The burn of anger unfolds in your chest, and it’s all you can do to exit the building without exploding. Oh, sister. It’s so hard! But I want you to pause right now and know that ministry wives everywhere are feeling the same emotions and pain you are. It shouldn’t be that way, but in this world we do suffer at the hands of others, even other believers. If there is a way for you to meet with another ministry wife, please do so. See if your denomination can connect you with a pastor’s wife so that you can build a relationship with someone who knows what you’re going through. You can become mutual encouragers for one another.*
Watch Out for Bitterness.
I’ve talked with many ministry wives over the years, and I’ve seen some become hardened and embittered after quietly swallowing the complaints and criticisms of church members time and time again. It seems that the more we swallow the stinging words of people we are called to love, the more bitterness grows inside. If you find your heart growing hard or habitually angry, now is the time to tamp down that flame of bitterness. If you wait until it turns into a blaze, it will be much harder to put out.
Begin by praying for the Lord to keep your heart soft. That doesn’t mean that you have to swallow every ugly comment without ever responding. Certainly, there are times to kindly counter hurtful comments. You might choose to respond with phrases like these:
“I understand what you’re saying, but the Lord has given us freedom to make a decision that is best for our family in this situation. I hope you’ll do the same.” (Reminds them that Christian freedom is allowed in the church. See Rom. 14:3.)
“I know you mean well, but that comment is really hurtful to me.” (Addresses sin directly but without malice. See Col. 3:13)
“I know that not everyone agrees with how we _______, but we would appreciate some grace from our church family.” (Seeks to end the conversation. See Col. 3:13)
“Can you explain to me why you feel so strongly about this? I’d love to see what Scripture you have in mind so I can make sure I’m thinking about this biblically.” (Puts the onus on the criticizer to biblically support their words. See Acts 17:11
“We are doing the best we can to follow the Lord’s lead in this issue, so we would love for you to simply pray for us.” (Requests prayer rather than censure. See Rom. 12:12)
Pray for the Lord to give you the words you need when it is necessary to address hurtful comments directly. But even as you do so, pray that the Lord would keep your heart pure before Him. If you are sinfully angry, confess that to the Lord and ask for His help to function in faithfulness. Jesus tells us to love our enemies. Your church members aren’t your enemies, but sometimes they will act like it. Pray for love and kindness that will undermine their attempts to hurt you. In so doing, you are heaping coals of kindness on their heads!
Pray for the Ones Who Hurt You.
This is perhaps the most challenging way to respond to hurtful words in ministry, but it is the most transformative. Not only will praying for the people who routinely hurt you in ministry protect your heart from bitterness, it will also cultivate genuine Christ-like love for them. Jesus died for His enemies—you and me! Before He saved us, we were “alienated and in hostile in mind, doing evil deeds” (Col. 1:21). But He laid down His life for the ones who rejected Him, and in so doing, He redeemed us and gave us new life. That is sacrificial love. You are never more like Jesus than when you respond to rejection with love. I’ve learned that one of the best ways I can love my church is to devote myself to prayer for them. While I do see changes in them over time as the Lord works on their hearts, the most noticeable change is always in my own heart. I don’t hate those who hurt me; I am concerned for their hearts. I don’t respond to harsh words with harsh words; the Spirit keeps my heart calm and my words kind. I don’t stew about what they said to me or to someone else about me; I pray for the Lord to sanctify them and bring their sin to light so He can free them from it. This isn’t work of my own heart, that’s for sure. This is the work the Spirit does when I devote myself to prayer. When I neglect praying for my church, my heart reverts to bitterness.
Prayer seems like the “Sunday school answer” to this hurtful problem, but I promise that it is effective and comforting. The Lord sees the truth. He knows every heart. He also desires for His church to grow and flourish. There will be times when hurtful words must be addressed, perhaps even by leadership if the situation goes that far. But most of the time, we will best served to pray for the ones who hurt us with their words so that they see the love of Jesus in us. When their words don’t shake us like they expect, we must hope and pray they will see that our foundation is Christ and that they will long to stand firmly on Him, too.
*If you are unable to find someone to connect with, please contact us at Practical Shepherding Women for support: kcarmackps@gmail.com
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway).