Serving When You’re Discouraged
By Glenna Marshall
One of the most difficult challenges I’ve experienced as a pastor’s wife is handling my own discouragement.
It’s a tricky thing to balance your own personal trials with those of your church members who turn to you for encouragement. Whose discouragement gets top billing? How can you serve a hurting church member when your own heart throbs with despair? How do you fight bitterness when the phone is silent, the mailbox is empty, and no one seems to care that you’re struggling?
Throughout my seventeen years as a ministry wife, I’ve handled my discouragement in some unhelpful ways. At times, I’ve withdrawn from my church, ranted inwardly, and succumbed to bitterness. None of those actions have served to rouse my affections for Christ or His Bride, so I’ve had to reexamine what it really means to cast my cares on the Lord.
When we are discouraged and hurting—whether because of difficulty in ministry or because of other external trials—the temptation to withdraw from church is strong. And doubly so if our discouragement is born of church conflict or weariness in ministry. My husband and I walked through a decade of discouragement that seemed to come from every angle: conflict in our church, chronic illness, financial strain, and our inability to have children. Any one of these things individually would have been hard to traverse; layering them all together felt impossible to overcome.
Because a good portion of our troubles stemmed from church conflict, I thought pulling away from the source of conflict would help me deal with my despair. It didn’t. In fact, it made things worse. Pulling away from those I struggled to love did not help me recover my love for them. And when church members sensed my emotional absence, they responded in kind. One church member told me, years later, that my pulling away was the impetus for her withdrawal from church.
Now, I am not speaking about toxic relationships or boundaries; we must take a nuanced approach to situations like those. I’m talking about the regular, week-in and week-out church family relationships. We are called to bear up with one another (even when we’re hurt), extend forgiveness, think of others as better than ourselves, and to be patient in affliction (see Col. 3:12-17, Phil. 2: 1-3, Rom. 12:9-13). Our discouragement in ministry doesn’t exempt us from obedience to Scripture. Walking through trials and despair might make obedience seem harder to implement, so that means we must lean harder on the gifts God us given us to persevere. He will not forsake us when our hearts are weighed down with sorrow or apathy.
Your Church is God’s Gift to You
If you are weary or worn down, don’t back away from your church. Though ministry may be the source of your discouragement, God has specifically placed you where you are right now in your church, whether for refinement in your life or theirs—and likely in both.
Be honest about your discouragement by asking for prayer. If you have a weekly Bible study group or a small group meeting, ask your church members to pray for you. You don’t have to be detailed; simply state that you’re struggling with discouragement and would love for people to pray for you. If someone is critical of your request, you can trust the Lord to deal with that. We are commanded in Scripture to bear one another’s burdens, but there can be no burden-bearing if there is no burden-sharing. I know that doesn’t always feel safe as a ministry wife, but here is where trusting the Lord with the details is key. I’ve watched my church family respond positively to my pleas for prayer even if the only person who knows why I’m struggling is God. What matters is that the people of my church know I’m human and need help like they do. My need for prayer can show them it’s okay to ask for prayer, too. Transparency can actually breed more transparency.
Your Bible is God’s Gift to You
God has given us the gift of Scripture not merely to instruct but also to encourage and comfort. During that decade of deep discouragement, the Lord used His Word to soothe my despair on a daily basis. It was actually through suffering in church ministry that He cultivated a love for the Bible in my heart that I’d never had. Before that period of discouragement, I wasn’t very faithful in Bible-reading, but suffering in ministry revealed to me how much I needed the truth of Scripture to guard my heart and to persevere. Scripture addresses suffering over and over again. When you are trying to persevere in ministry while your heart aches, lean hard on Scripture! Spend time daily in the psalms. Read Paul’s letters to the churches who were enduring persecution from within the church as well as from the outside world. Focus on the grandeur of God’s character as displayed in Exodus or Isaiah.
To keep from growing bitter or jaded, we must keep our gaze fixed not on ourselves but on God who sees all our hurts and sorrows. He sees you, sister. He sees and He knows. And you have not been forgotten by Him. Soak in all His words to you about His faithfulness. He will uphold you.
Prayer is God’s Gift to You
When Jesus died on the cross, He made it possible for us to have free access to God the Father through prayer (see Heb. 10). He prays for us and with us (see Heb. 4:16 and Heb. 7:25). When we feel too discouraged to serve and love our churches, we can be certain that God hears our prayers to persevere. You don’t have to pray perfectly curated, poetic expressions of supplication to the Lord. When Peter was sinking in the sea of Galilee, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” (see Matt. 14:30) Simple, heartfelt prayers are enough. It’s a broken heart and a contrite spirit that the Lord loves. When no other place feels safe, prayer is always a refuge. Run to the Lord and pray for Him to strengthen your heart. He is pleased to give good gifts to His children, and He delights in turning your heart to find joy in Him.
Most of us in ministry will experience seasons of discouragement—sometimes very prolonged seasons. Suffering in ministry is guaranteed. But, we also have a sure and steadfast anchor for our souls: Jesus. And His promise is surer than our sorrows: “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway, June 2020).