Weep With Those Who Weep
By Cara Croft
“It has been three months, and it feels like I am still crying all the time.”
“I feel crazy; none of this makes sense.”
“Everywhere I go I see reminders of them.”
“I miss hearing their voice.”
“I am afraid I am going to forget them.”
“I don’t understand why God has let this happen.”
“Where is God in the middle of all of this?”
“I feel sad.”
“I feel angry.”
These are just a taste of the kinds of statements I often hear from others as they grieve the death of a loved one. Death is a fact of life, something we will all face one day. Death of our loved ones, death of spouses and children, death of close relatives and friends. We must even wrestle our own mortality! As members of the body of Christ we are told to come along side those who are mourning and join them in their grief.
Romans 12:15 tells us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Jesus sets an example of how to do this John 11:17-38. When we read through this familiar passage of Lazarus’s death and resurrection, notice the way Jesus responds to Mary, Martha, and the crowd of mourners. He met each of them right where they were at and did not demand they be in a different place with their mourning. It’s this example we must follow if we are going to care for well for the bereaved.
However, what I am hearing in my counseling practice is that those who are grieving are being hurt by some of the responses from their churches. The grieving are told they don’t have enough joy or hope in their grief. People respond with impatience because the bereaved are not “getting over” their loss fast enough. Well-intentioned friends, while trying to be encouraging, deny the hurting person space to experience anger over the loss. The church tends to walk closely with the bereaved the first few days or weeks after a loss, but when the church moves on, the bereaved person is left carrying a grief on their own in isolation.
I understand the struggle. We are often afraid that if we bring up the loss, we will remind the bereaved of the pain they have been experiencing. We are afraid of causing them to experience negative emotions, so we are silent. But here is the truth: the bereaved are already thinking about their loved ones who have died, and they need us to ask about them. They don’t need solutions or answers. They need someone to walk with them in their mourning. They need someone to listen and lament with them. They need someone with whom they can share their stories. They need someone to hold sacred space and be a quiet presence of our loving God.
What are some ways we can weep with those who weep?
First, we must understand that there are stages to the grieving process and that no two people walk through those stages in the same way. Grief is not a linear process but one that jumps back and forth between the stages. To expect someone to be sad and then quickly done with their sadness is not reasonable.
Second, we must be patient. Grief is a slow, long, and difficult process. The mourner is already feeling their own impatience with the process, and we put more pressure on them to expect them to be further along than they are. We only add to their frustration instead of giving them space to process at their own speed. We also need to patient while the bereaved share the same stories over and over. It is a process in which they are trying to come to terms with the reality of their loss and they need the opportunity to share repetitively.
Third, listen with silence. Grief can sometimes be loud wailing, but most often it is quiet. We need to sit silently while the bereaved find adequate words to express their loss. When we feel discomfort in the silence of the bereaved, we must be careful not to fill that silence with our own words. Silence opens the door for grief. At the same time, we can ask questions with curiosity and then wait for however long it may take for a person to answer them. We can ask questions such as: “What do you miss the most about your loved one?” or “What has been the hardest part about their death?” Perhaps we can ask, “What are some of your favorite moments with your loved one?” These kinds of questions can help open the door for sharing.
Finally, we need to understand that different types of loss will impact how a person grieves. Those who experience the death of a loved one from cancer experience grief in a way that is different from someone who loses a loved one by suicide. Someone experiencing a miscarriage will experience grief in a different way than someone who lost a loved one by an accident. What was of comfort to one person may not be of comfort to another. Just because we have walked through grief with one person does not mean we know exactly how to do it with the next. My encouragement to you is to continue to grow in your understanding of grief. Allow those who are grieving to teach you how to care for them and how to walk with them. Pray diligently for them and ask God to give you the same patience that Jesus displayed to Mary and Martha.
Cara Croft is wife to Brian, mother to 4 adult/teenage children, and has completed her Master's degree in Christian Counseling. She enjoys counseling, reading, and growing in learning to care for the suffering. Cara is also the Director of Counseling Ministry at Practical Shepherding.