Expectations and the Pastor's Kid
By Kellye Carmack
This month on the blog we have talked about expectations in ministry. Whether our own or put on us by others, expectations can be an obstacle to ministry. Pastors want to be faithful with the work that has been entrusted to them but many times this desire to be faithful is met with conflicting views of their plans and decisions. Those expectations can feel like added weight as they try to move forward. Expectations from the church often also extend to the pastor’s wife. Though there is no specific biblical role for her, she likely feels there are specific standards she must meet. Few other careers go as far as ministry in putting pressure and expectations on the whole family. That includes the pastor’s kid.
The pastor’s kid grows up with their own unique set of expectations. They grow up experiencing church in a way that no other kid does. I was in the eighth grade when my dad became a pastor so I was old enough to be aware of the differences between the experiences of the pastor’s kids versus the rest of the kids in the church. When I think about my earlier years at church (pre-pastor’s kid days) I remember it as a place where I was loved, nurtured and taught God’s word. The youth leaders built relationships and invested in me. The church poured itself into my life. I remember it as a safe place where I went to both contribute and receive.
When my dad took the senior pastor position at another church I immediately noticed a change in expectations and how much I should contribute. There were certainly leaders and teachers who taught me Scripture and cared for me, but this time I felt the pressure to give something in return or live up to a certain standard. Even though I was only 13, I sensed a responsibility to lead and serve. It was communicated in both direct and subtle ways and I’m sure some of that expectation came from my own inaccurate understanding of the role of the pastor’s family. Either way, the pressure of those expectations was stressful. In Sunday school and Bible study I felt like I should always have the right answers or pray the ‘right’ way. At youth events I felt like I had to lead by example and befriend all the visitors. If I failed at any of those things I assumed it would be a poor reflection on my whole family.
Don’t get me wrong, church was not just a negative experience for me as a pastor’s kid. In many ways, I was loved well, and I enjoyed sweet friendships with other kids in the church. Those years of playing different roles taught me a lot about ministry. Also, as a pastor’s kid, church was very much ‘home’ to me and the people were like my family. That idea stayed with me into adulthood and church is still a place that I feel at home.
What is it like for the pastor’s kids in your church? What are they experiencing when they go to church? Most pastor’s kids stand in a unique position where they are always watched and evaluated. Those assessments are often based on unbiblical and unrealistic standards. The fact that their dad went to seminary doesn’t mean they will be young Bible scholars. Just because dad preaches about right and wrong doesn’t mean they will behave like perfect Christians. And it’s not their responsibility to work for the church just because dad is getting paid. These specific and unbalanced
expectations can create in them a belief that they must earn God’s love and acceptance. It can make church feel like a place where they are judged and don’t measure up.
Instead, make your church a place where pastor’s kids receive and are received. Pray for and care for them as often as you can. Teach and disciple them without holding them to higher standards than you do others. Most of all, make church a place where they know how much they are loved by both Christ and His Church.
Kellye Carmack is the Women’s Ministry Director for Practical Shepherding. She has an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies and a master’s degree in Biblical Counseling. She served as a missionary in Western Europe for two years helping to share the hope of Christ with women in difficult situations. While in seminary, she met her husband Craig and they are both on staff at their church in Louisville, KY. She loves helping women discover the unique ways God has gifted them to serve the church.