You’re Just One Person
By Glenna Marshall
When I think of the pastor’s wife of my childhood church, I picture her in the only place I ever saw her: the nursery. She was a grandmother many times over; perhaps she liked being with the children. But I’ve manned the nursery enough times over the past fifteen years as a pastor’s wife to know that much of the time I volunteered because there simply wasn’t anyone else to do it. In many churches, there’s an expectation that the pastor’s wife will pick up the slack because her husband is paid by the church. I now wonder if the sweet pastor’s wife of my youth wanted to serve in the nursery or did so because it was expected of her. Perhaps she wanted to say “no” but feared how that might be interpreted by the church.
Churches have varying expectations of their ministry wives. And dear ministry wife—because you’re just one person, you’re going to fail to meet the myriad of expectations that an entire congregation of people have for you. The fear of becoming a failure in their eyes or of somehow damaging your husband’s ministry can weaken your resolve to set healthy boundaries for you and your family.
Though I have carried a lot of the “typical” roles of a pastor’s wife over the years, I have still felt the pressure of others’ expectations of me. For many years, I felt I was perpetually falling short of what people wanted from me. I endured a meeting once where a disgruntled church member listed all the ways I was failing the church as pastor’s wife. The list was long and detailed and made me feel like I had harmed my husband’s ministry. I left that meeting completely crushed. I figured I ought to say “yes” to every request made of me to escape that kind of pain again. If I said “yes” to everything, maybe I wouldn’t be such a disappointment to my church.
The day after that soul-crushing meeting, I had lunch with another church member. Picking up on my discouragement, she asked what was wrong. Vaguely, I outlined what had happened, careful not to name names or cast blame. I didn’t want her to pick up my offense. But she set down her fork, looked me in the eye, and said, “What does the Bible say? Is any of that stuff biblical?”
I thought for a moment. “Not that I know of.”
She nodded and said, “Go home, look at Scripture for what is expected of you. If there’s any truth to the expectations they have, own it. If not, let it go.”
I took my wise friend’s advice. I went home and examined every passage of Scripture I could find for pastors, their wives, and expectations. Guess what? There wasn’t anything for me beyond the “one-another” commands for every believer. While I want to support my husband’s ministry and serve my church, I am just a church member like everyone else. The church needs me to faithfully attend, use my gifts, worship, serve, and love—but in the same way every church member should do those things. There isn’t a special set of rules and expectations for me simply because I’m married to the pastor.
You may have found yourself trying to decide whether to take on another demand, duty, or role. My advice to you is to think and pray about it before you answer. Talk with your husband, think through your present responsibilities. If the pastor and his wife take on every role, the church will suffer.
The New Testament writers call the church a body with many parts, a building with many stones, a family with many members. We need all members to use their gifts and serve. If you take every role simply because you feel pressure to do so, who are you robbing of an opportunity to serve? Of course, sometimes we must jump in to help when we don’t want to. Sometimes we keep the nursery because it just needs to be kept. But, we don’t have to do it all, and we shouldn’t.
These days, when people ask me to consider taking on a role or duty, I think about all the members who might want to serve in that capacity. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s not. We can’t serve out of fear that we’re failing someone one. Rather, we serve out of love for the Lord and His church. We can fight our temptation to meet every expectation by sharing the burden with the whole body of believers. Most people are well-meaning when they ask you to take on a responsibility or fit some kind of role. They really are—even if the expectation is misguided. We need to give our church members the benefit of the doubt, even if we turn down their requests. We can trust God with the fallout if we seek to keep loving and serving in the ways He has equipped us to do so. In time, your church may do the same.
Right before my youngest son was born, a relatively new church member asked if she and another member could take over the weekly bulletin printing and folding. “Is there anything you don’t do in this church?” she asked. I laughed (I’m the pastor’s wife, after all), but she was serious. And she followed up with a strong word: “I’m taking the bulletin preparation from you, and when your son is born, I’m taking the children’s Sunday school class as well. The church needs everyone to serve. And you are just one person.” Stunned, I agreed.
And the church continued to flourish without me saying “yes” to every single expectation. Indeed, I believe the church flourished because I didn’t say “yes” to every single expectation.
While there are often congregations full of unwieldy expectations, there are also members who want to help and support you. Sister, let them. You can meet some expectations, but you can’t meet them all. You’re just one person. And you can love your church well by letting others share the gift and burden of serving with you.
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness: The Beauty of Ordinary Perseverance in a Demanding World (Crossway, June, 2, 2020).