The Weight We Carry Inside
By Cara Croft
“It feels like heavy weights pressing down on my shoulders.”
“I would describe it like rope tied tight around my chest making it hard to breathe.”
“To me it is like rocks just sitting in my stomach.”
As I talk with pastor’s wives these are some statements I hear when they are describing the weight of expectations being placed upon them. Honestly, these are some of the words I have used to describe the same weight I often experience. This month we are going to be focusing our blog on expectations, where they come from and how we are dealing with them.
When we talk about expectations, we may think about what others are expecting from us. However, where I want to start is here: the expectations we tend to place on ourselves. Sometimes I refer to this as the “should have” syndrome. I am sure you are familiar with the inner voice (and sometimes outer voice when we say it to our friend). It says “I should have been at that baby shower”, “I should have visited that widow”, “I should have made a meal for that family”, “I should have been at the members meeting”, “I should have….”, “I should have….”, repeat ad nauseum. The list is long and unforgiving. Not to mention the voice that comes to life and joins in with the should have. One woman described it this way “I think about what I should have been doing and I hear this voice tell me I am a failure. No, worse, I am a disappointment, and that voice sounds a lot like my mom”. The self-condemnation can feel crushing and it imprisons us to a level of expectation that no one can meet. It is heavy, it wraps around our chest and entangles us in a web of lies. The lie is that somehow our worth and value is tied up in meeting a certain standard we have set for ourselves.
Sometimes we meet this standard. We “rise to the occasion”, or as my childhood family moto says, “suck it up and get it done”. This tends to bring a sense of gratification, like we have accomplished something significant. When we can’t rise to the occasion or suck it up, we feel like a failure and a disappointment to everyone around us. There is no grace for our self and even less compassion. We turn this outward and start to believe that if we met the expectations of others, if we can just make them happy, somehow it will quiet that voice of condemnation that tells me I am not enough, or worse, a disappointment.
I bring this up because I feel this battle within almost daily. It is something I have been working on for many years. Some of you have read about my struggle with depression. If there is ever a time that I feel like I am disappointing everyone around me, it is when I am at a low point with depression. Depression forces me to acknowledge my human limitations. Depression forces me to slow down. Depression causes me to need others to help and to pick up some of what I can no longer accomplish. Depression forces me to do some self-care because if I don’t it grows worse and won’t relent until I do. When I began to really struggle with depression, I had to make some major life changes. I had to step back from leading small groups, stop discipling several women, no longer serve in the nursery, and no more hosting families in my home several times a month. I had to start doing things like taking a slow walk in the sun and call my psychiatrist (yes, this is a form of self-care). I would read one verse of scripture instead of an entire chapter, sit and wait for words to pray because I often had none, and I had to give myself permission to let this be enough. This is the thing we often forget about: what Christ has done for us. He has made it so that our efforts, small and feeble as they may be, are enough.
One friend described it this way: “It is like a small child making you a gift and when you look at it you know, in all of its imperfections, it is perfect. This child has poured their heart into this small gift and you receive it with gratitude. It does not have to be the next masterpiece of art what they have offered you is enough.” Ladies, what we bring to God is enough. We do not have to be a slave to our own expectations. Take a deep breath. That bar you have set, lower it down a notch, maybe two. Remember that to God you are NOT a disappointment. I have no magical answers. The more you read from me the more you will realize I am not a person to give solutions or steps to take. Rather my desire is that you walk along with me as we continue to grow in our awareness of our internal expectations and that we encourage each other to be gentle and gracious with ourselves.
Cara Croft is wife to Brian, mother to 4 adult/teenage children, and currently finishing her Master's degree in Christian Counseling. She enjoys counseling, reading, and growing in learning to care for the suffering. Cara is also the Director of Counseling Ministry at Practical Shepherding.