Practical Postcards: How do I thrive in ministry after being hurt?
By Cara Croft
Editors Note: each month we will answer a question from a reader as a part of our new “Practical Postcards” series. If you have a question you’d like our team to tackle, email us at kcarmackps@gmail.com.
To the woman who sent us this question, thank you for asking it. This is a question that many of us face, especially when the transition comes because of wounds from a previous church setting. Some transitions come from moving to a different ministry opportunity, but some of you are coming from situations where there has been a lot of conflict. Your spouses have been beat up and fired. For many of you even the way you are asked to leave the church has been scripted, and you have been denied the chance to say proper goodbyes or grieve all that has happened.
While we may long to be in ministry and serve others like we did in our last church, does that mean we must maintain those rhythms of ministry in times of transition? Often, what I see as a counselor, are women who want to quickly move past the grief and pain of the last situation because it is easier to serve others than tend to our own wounds. We tend to receive a lot of positive feelings from serving others, and that is much easier to experience than the pain and sadness of leaving.
The questions posed by this particular woman in ministry are:
“How do we thrive in serving Jesus?”
“How do you get through the pain and move on”
“How do you stop doubting what God has for you after being hurt so badly and unfairly?”
These are all valid and important questions. They’re questions that so many of us have asked or are asking now. As a counselor, my first response is this: there is no quick way to heal and get past what you have been through. Grief and healing are complicated processes that come and go in waves. Though grief comes in stages, even those stages come in waves and don’t always follow the orderly patterned laid out in the pages of counseling books. We are wired to avoid pain, and we desire to make it end as quickly as possible. This is true for both physical pain and emotional pain. We want it resolved so that we no longer have to suffer.
My question is, “what does it mean to thrive?” By thrive do we mean productivity or being able to show some fruit of our labors? If you Google the definition of thrive you would read the following: grow or develop well or vigorously, prosper, flourish. I love the term flourish here because I believe it is God’s heart towards us. I believe God wants to see us flourish, as fruit on a vine, both internally and externally. What if in seasons of painful transition, God is asking us to not serve and instead to take some time to rest, heal, and grow internally? What if God desires for us to spend this season pouring our hearts out to Him, lamenting, and waiting? What if our only job right now is to be tender with ourselves? Does that feel selfish? Women tend to be wired to believe that if we are not giving to everyone around us, we are being selfish. Yet, I am often reminded that Jesus did not always meet the needs of those around him; he often took time to withdraw from everyone to pray.
In these seasons of grief and transition, God has something for each of us. Yet this season is not one that can be rushed through or quickly moved past. This answer may not be what you wanted. Many of us want a list of things we can do and check off so that we can get back to what it is we feel called to do. I cannot give you that list. Instead I can only offer a gentle reassurance that this pain and grief will lessen over time. Talk to someone who can help remind of the things that are true but who will also sit and cry and grieve with you. Grieve often, and you will find that there will eventually be an end to your tears. The wound will not be gone. No, it will be reopened and healed and reopened and healed. But each time it is reopened it becomes more tolerable. The more time that passes, the more it begins to make some sense and the more you begin to see God’s intention for this season.
Editors Note: each month we will answer a question from a reader as a part of our new “Practical Postcards” series. If you have a question you’d like our team to tackle, email us at kcarmackps@gmail.com.
Cara Croft is wife to Brian, mother to 4 adult/teenage children, and currently finishing her Master's degree in Christian Counseling. She enjoys counseling, reading, and growing in learning to care for the suffering. Cara is also the Director of Counseling Ministry at Practical Shepherding.